Doctor Delima

So here's the honest truth - I do EVERYTHING I can to avoid the doctor's office. I don't know if it comes from my fear of needles, or the fact that every time I go I lose between 2-4 hours of my life waiting because my family doctor doesn't take appointments. He's the sweetest old man, but perhaps the most old fashioned one I know. You go in, sign your name on the list and wait...or get his receptionist to call you back with a good time to come when you might not have to wait as long, but will probably still have to wait an hour.

With that being said, for the past three days I've put off a trip to the doctor. My ear hurts so bad now I'm considering a trip to the ER...then I think...well I can sit there three hours too...or sit here and wait for the doctor to open...So I'm sitting...waiting...Knowing that an ear ache doesn't go away on it's own and should have been taken care of three days ago...why am I so stubborn?

Comfort

Over the summer one of my dearest friend's grandfather passed away. He hadn't been doing well for quite a while, and although his passing was expected, it did not make it an easy one. The fact that he was in his bedroom while the family was in the kitchen or working on his farm brought comfort. When he passed, family, friends, and various others brought physical comfort of a hug, a listening ear, or a hot meal...Let's face it, in the south, sometimes all we know to do is to offer food when death touches the people we love.

Throughout the time of this loss I went with my mom to the home to take a meal and spent a lot of time walking through the house looking at pictures. Pictures are the one way that memories can be captured forever and I believe you can never have too many of them. On the den wall hung three portraits. One of the man's daughter and her family, one of his oldest son and his family, and one of his youngest son who doesn't have his own family yet. Looking at these three pictures broke my heart for the youngest son. Immediately I thought...oh no, he has to face this all alone, who will comfort him? Sure, he is a great comfort for his mom, but what happens when he goes home at night...Who will sit with him at the service? Who will dry his tears?

In sharing this story, I fast forward five months to the events of today. It was a privilege to hear my friend Jeremy speak this morning on the past fifteen months of his and his families loss, grief, comfort, and hope. Jeremy shared so many profound realisations, Bible verses, and testimony today that it would take a while to share it all, but I would like to share what I walked away with. If we are solely putting our hope, faith, and need for comfort in the hands of humans, we will be disappointed. Jeremy spoke of what a comfort it was to have an elder in their church spend time with them who had been through the loss of a child. Someone who has walked in your shoes, someone who can be with you, yet not have to say a word and know exactly what you are thinking. I firmly believe that God allows certain situations in our lives so that we may help others if/when they have to face similar circumstances. He wants us to have people on earth in which we can rely and find comfort, but HE should be our ultimate comforter.

Jeremy also spoke about how Christians are not promised a perfect and wonderful life. No one ever taught us by saying Yes to God that he was going to hand you a perfect little life. If this was a perfect little life then what would we look forward to in Heaven? We are going to hurt, we are going to grieve, we are going to ask why, and we are going to have bad days...but think about what is promised once those days are behind us.

Today was one of those days when you hear something you have heard before, but it came with new meaning. Today I knew if the son in my story has his eyes focused on the comforter than he was in much better shape than any human could possibly offer. I am not saying that we do not need the human comfort offered by friends and family, I just think I personally need to rethink who and what I put my hope and my comfort into.

Today I am thankful for Lindsay and Jeremy. By taking a tragic circumstance, and using it to Glorify God, they are changing the world. I am thankful for Ayden and Collen, their precious boys, and I am thankful that God uses them to open my eyes to His truth on a regular basis.

Psalm 13
1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Lydia Jane

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Last week, I was itching for a road trip and my heart was leading me towards a weekend with my aunt. What better way to start, and to finish, my weekend than a little pit stop in South Port to meet Lydia Jane.

This whole growing-up thing is so surreal. One day Amy and I are kids, playing in the back yard, chasing the basset hounds, and getting stung by wasp, and the next we are grown, cleaning our houses and working full time jobs. Amy has been a lot like a sister to me, especially as we have gotten older. She is a wonderful Christian woman and such a wonderful example for many young people that she works with at her church, and that she teaches are her school.

She called me about three years ago to share some very exciting news. After a while of being single, and a lot of heartfelt prayer, God had put someone very special into her life and she was 'pretty sure' he was the one. A year later, we were attending her wedding...A year later a baby shower...

I will tell you, being a single girl with her own desires and ideas in your heart some parts of growing up are hard. Going to weddings and baby showers are sometimes a task to hard to face, especially alone...But with Amy things were different. We had been in the same 'boat' for a while, and on the night she called to tell me she was engaged she said to me, "Allison, don't give up. I am here to tell you that God still has some good ones left out there." People tell me that all the time, but from Amy, I actually believed it. Her wedding was certainly one to remember, a day that was not centered on her, but centered on her and Gary's unity in Christ. The Lord was certainly in that place.

Now Amy is a mom, and Lydia is perfect in every way. It was great being a part of the experience when she 'announced' Jane as the middle name at her baby shower - a surprise her mom never saw coming. I look forward to playing a part in Lydia's life, and being her honorary aunt. Today, I am simply thankful for 'baby love'.

5 Years Ago Today...

I've been dreading this day for weeks. Why is it that sometimes things get a little easier to handle with time, but others get harder? Maybe it's the time that separates us from that terrible night, maybe it's the space that separates us from family that used to be a stone's throw away. Perhaps it's that tiny bit of regret from actually saying the word no...maybe it's not knowing a good thing until it's gone.

Five years and approximately two weeks ago today I babysat my cousin Jim's kids. I remember the excitement Jim had when he showed me what was left of his 40th birthday cake. This was no ordinary cake you see, it had his photo scanned into the edible icing. He was so attached to the picture - he 'spooned' the cake away from around the edges, and offered me a spoon so I could join him...but cautioned me to only eat around the edges and not to ruin his picture.

What seemed like only a few days later, as my family and I were settling down for the night, a terrible knock came wrapping on the door. One of those knocks that makes you jump out of bed and want to grab your shotgun because you don't know who is on the other side of the door or what they want. To our heartbreak, our neighbors were on the other side letting us know there had been a wreck, not a mile down the road, and that Jim was thought to be dead.

Jim? Who? What? Where?...WHY? Everything was such a blur, can we go back to bed? Pretend it's a dream? Do we go to his house and tell his wife, she shouldn't be alone with the kids? Who will go to Myrtle Beach to get Aunt Emily and bring her home? Someone call Todd...such a blur...so many unanswered questions...

I won't go through the details of that sleepless night or the weekend that followed, but I think saying goodbye to Jim was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Jim was by no means a perfect man. He made mistakes. He made wrong choices. He said wrong things. Tell me, have you never done any of those? I sure have...But Jim was the person who would share what little extra cash he had with a person who had less than he just to get them through a hard time, or make their Christmas a little brighter. He was the type of person who noticed the small things. Jim was the one who would speak first. He was the type of person that loved his Grandma Rose. He was the person that was taken for granted by some before his death. He was the type of person who appreciated a good birthday cake.

Things have changed so much since Jim passed away. Some people were changed forever, their lifestyles, choices and habits. Some people got deeper into their habits, looking temporary comfort in inappropriate places. Some of us wanted to help with flowers, some of us wanted to help clean the house, some of us felt an urge to comfort his wife and his boys. Some people wanted to just get away. Life is just different...so different. It's hard to believe that five years have already passed since that life changing night. Death is inevitable, but the sudden unexpected death of someone you love, someone young...is just hard. I don't know any other way to put it.

Thanks for letting me ramble. Today I'm thankful for the people who understand exactly what I mean. I truly believe God allows our trials in order to help others through similar situations. Hopefully one day I can use what I've learned to help someone. Until then, I will go on loving, especially imperfections, because that is how God loves me.

The Fingerprints of God

"I can see the fingerprints of God

When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God

And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece that all creation

Quietly applauds

And you're covered with

The fingerprints of God."

~Fingerprints of God - Steven Curtis Chapman

On the way home from work Friday this song came on the radio. Although the song is written more as an encouragement to those who do not see themselves like God does, or the people around them do, it immediately made me think of Collen. He had been on my mind all day because I had planned a visit with him and his mom for later that afternoon. I could not wait to get my hands on that sweet little boy!

I have always considered babies God's greatest creation, and could see the fingerprints of God all over Collen. It still amazes me at how God works, the intricate details that go into making a child. When Collen was not very happy with me at one point, I looked into his tiny mouth and said, "Isn't it amazing that his teeth are in there? That got Lindsay and I both giggling, but it is amazing if you really stop to think about it.

I look forward to many more visits with Mr. Collen in the near future - and a lot more BaBy LoVe!

Heaven is the Face of a Little Boy

Jesus said, Let the little children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 NIV

One year ago today the world stopped turning...Maybe it was for a brief moment, but it felt like an eternity to those who know and love Ayden Brooks Jones. The soon to be four month old, was called to Heaven on August 25, 2009. Today we stop to remember the joy he brought to all who were lucky enough to have a part in his life, no matter how small...And we celebrate the part he still plays in our lives, and those who have heard his story.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song, written in remembrance of his daughter, called Heaven is the Face of a Little Girl. This song has been on my mind and in my heart lately, pretty much any time that Ayden's face flashes across my memory. When I think of Ayden, I think of all the children lost before or after their birth that are surrounding Jesus' feet.

It would be a lie to say that all memories are happy ones. I've posted before about that terrible day last year, the phone call from Kristina and the endless hours afterwards on the phone and on Internet trying to find answers. I still get angry at that the gut wrenching hurt that hits me out of no where at times...How dare I be so sad, so upset, so distraught...how dare I question God's plan. If I am feeling this way what to Lindsay and Jeremy feel? His grandparents? His Aunts and Uncles? I selfishly ache for the things his family missed...the first birthday of cake in the face, first steps, first words...

A lot has happened in the past year. Lindsay and Jeremy sold their house and are currently bunking with her parents until getting a new home set up. Collen Brooks Jones (baby boy #2) was born on Sunday, August 22nd. We welcome him with open arms and loving hearts. We pray for happiness and joy to be restored, but also for Ayden never to be forgotten.

Today, I remember a life that changed mine forever.

Don't Define Your Life by Your Biggest Heartache

I've been putting this blog off for over a week, but I'm afraid if I do not type it tonight then it might not get done at all. On July 25th I had the pleasure of visiting Calvary Baptist Church and listening to one of the most wonderful sermons I have ever heard. Pastor Dees shared about Sarah and Abram. The sermon was titled, LIFE WITH GOD, "A Recipe for Disaster". Scripture was taken from Genesis 16:1 - 6.

If you want your relationship/life with God to be a disaster do the following:
Harbor Resentment
Blame God for Your Disappointments
Adopt Worldly Behavior
Be Spiritually Passive
Determine your own Timetable

As I was filling out the sermon outline I jotted down a few things that really spoke to me and wanted to share them with my handful of readers. First, you must understand the events in Abram's and Sarah's life. When Abram had been promised to be a father of great nations, and Sarah, not able to have children, determined her own timetable and thought that the only way God's promise could be fulfilled is for her husband to father children with her servant. With that being said, these were some of the things that stood out to me.

First - Your life can be defined by your biggest heartache...Sarah became known by her circumstances, can you imagine that she perhaps walked into a crowded room and the pity people felt b/c she could not have children, or perhaps she introduced herself and said, Hi I'm Sarah and I can't have kids....Her trouble had become her identity.

Second - Sometimes people make their trouble their shield - A place to hide...Oh how many times have I hidden behind my own fears, disappointments, and heartaches? Let's face it, some days I still do this, but I think that's natural to a point.

Third - When you are living in Genesis 16 it is hard to wait for and see the hope in Genesis 21. Completely confused? In Genesis 16, Sarah takes God's plan into her own hands, in Genesis 21 she becomes pregnant. Guilty again - It's so easy to get wrapped up into the events and the circumstances of the present and to see no light at the end of the tunnel or hope for the future.

Fourth - The resentment you harbor is the sin that Jesus died for.

Towards the conclusion we were given several ways for your life with God to be a success and the one thing that spoke most to me was this; HAS THE THING I AM EXPECTING, OR BEING DISAPPOINTED ABOUT, BEEN PROMISED TO ME BY GOD? Maybe that isn't as revolutionary to you as it was to me, but man. How many times have I thought something that I wanted was about to happen, maybe this relationship was going to work out, or this job, or anything else that I dreamed up in my head and actually thought that God was having a hand in it but had no justification that he was? Too many - too many that were not promised to me by God. How can we question and be disappointed with God for things he never promised us. As I was reading back over my notes today I started thinking about something else, when bad things happen to good people. We always say, they didn't deserve that. Did God ever PROMISE Christians that we would be spared by heartache and pain? No...so we should not be bitter, angry, or disappointed with Him about it.

With all that being said...I have a long way to go. I still have circumstances that I wish were different, but God has them that way for a reason. I still see good people go through bad things and get angry about it. Today I was looking at a picture of a friend who passed away a few years ago and out loud I said, "I miss you, it's just not fair." God never promised me fair. He never promised me a lifetime with the people I love. He never promised me marriage or kids. He promised me a life of eternity in Heaven and all I had to do was accept him into my life. I am so undeserving of what He has given me.