Lydia Jane

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Last week, I was itching for a road trip and my heart was leading me towards a weekend with my aunt. What better way to start, and to finish, my weekend than a little pit stop in South Port to meet Lydia Jane.

This whole growing-up thing is so surreal. One day Amy and I are kids, playing in the back yard, chasing the basset hounds, and getting stung by wasp, and the next we are grown, cleaning our houses and working full time jobs. Amy has been a lot like a sister to me, especially as we have gotten older. She is a wonderful Christian woman and such a wonderful example for many young people that she works with at her church, and that she teaches are her school.

She called me about three years ago to share some very exciting news. After a while of being single, and a lot of heartfelt prayer, God had put someone very special into her life and she was 'pretty sure' he was the one. A year later, we were attending her wedding...A year later a baby shower...

I will tell you, being a single girl with her own desires and ideas in your heart some parts of growing up are hard. Going to weddings and baby showers are sometimes a task to hard to face, especially alone...But with Amy things were different. We had been in the same 'boat' for a while, and on the night she called to tell me she was engaged she said to me, "Allison, don't give up. I am here to tell you that God still has some good ones left out there." People tell me that all the time, but from Amy, I actually believed it. Her wedding was certainly one to remember, a day that was not centered on her, but centered on her and Gary's unity in Christ. The Lord was certainly in that place.

Now Amy is a mom, and Lydia is perfect in every way. It was great being a part of the experience when she 'announced' Jane as the middle name at her baby shower - a surprise her mom never saw coming. I look forward to playing a part in Lydia's life, and being her honorary aunt. Today, I am simply thankful for 'baby love'.

5 Years Ago Today...

I've been dreading this day for weeks. Why is it that sometimes things get a little easier to handle with time, but others get harder? Maybe it's the time that separates us from that terrible night, maybe it's the space that separates us from family that used to be a stone's throw away. Perhaps it's that tiny bit of regret from actually saying the word no...maybe it's not knowing a good thing until it's gone.

Five years and approximately two weeks ago today I babysat my cousin Jim's kids. I remember the excitement Jim had when he showed me what was left of his 40th birthday cake. This was no ordinary cake you see, it had his photo scanned into the edible icing. He was so attached to the picture - he 'spooned' the cake away from around the edges, and offered me a spoon so I could join him...but cautioned me to only eat around the edges and not to ruin his picture.

What seemed like only a few days later, as my family and I were settling down for the night, a terrible knock came wrapping on the door. One of those knocks that makes you jump out of bed and want to grab your shotgun because you don't know who is on the other side of the door or what they want. To our heartbreak, our neighbors were on the other side letting us know there had been a wreck, not a mile down the road, and that Jim was thought to be dead.

Jim? Who? What? Where?...WHY? Everything was such a blur, can we go back to bed? Pretend it's a dream? Do we go to his house and tell his wife, she shouldn't be alone with the kids? Who will go to Myrtle Beach to get Aunt Emily and bring her home? Someone call Todd...such a blur...so many unanswered questions...

I won't go through the details of that sleepless night or the weekend that followed, but I think saying goodbye to Jim was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Jim was by no means a perfect man. He made mistakes. He made wrong choices. He said wrong things. Tell me, have you never done any of those? I sure have...But Jim was the person who would share what little extra cash he had with a person who had less than he just to get them through a hard time, or make their Christmas a little brighter. He was the type of person who noticed the small things. Jim was the one who would speak first. He was the type of person that loved his Grandma Rose. He was the person that was taken for granted by some before his death. He was the type of person who appreciated a good birthday cake.

Things have changed so much since Jim passed away. Some people were changed forever, their lifestyles, choices and habits. Some people got deeper into their habits, looking temporary comfort in inappropriate places. Some of us wanted to help with flowers, some of us wanted to help clean the house, some of us felt an urge to comfort his wife and his boys. Some people wanted to just get away. Life is just different...so different. It's hard to believe that five years have already passed since that life changing night. Death is inevitable, but the sudden unexpected death of someone you love, someone young...is just hard. I don't know any other way to put it.

Thanks for letting me ramble. Today I'm thankful for the people who understand exactly what I mean. I truly believe God allows our trials in order to help others through similar situations. Hopefully one day I can use what I've learned to help someone. Until then, I will go on loving, especially imperfections, because that is how God loves me.

The Fingerprints of God

"I can see the fingerprints of God

When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God

And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece that all creation

Quietly applauds

And you're covered with

The fingerprints of God."

~Fingerprints of God - Steven Curtis Chapman

On the way home from work Friday this song came on the radio. Although the song is written more as an encouragement to those who do not see themselves like God does, or the people around them do, it immediately made me think of Collen. He had been on my mind all day because I had planned a visit with him and his mom for later that afternoon. I could not wait to get my hands on that sweet little boy!

I have always considered babies God's greatest creation, and could see the fingerprints of God all over Collen. It still amazes me at how God works, the intricate details that go into making a child. When Collen was not very happy with me at one point, I looked into his tiny mouth and said, "Isn't it amazing that his teeth are in there? That got Lindsay and I both giggling, but it is amazing if you really stop to think about it.

I look forward to many more visits with Mr. Collen in the near future - and a lot more BaBy LoVe!

Heaven is the Face of a Little Boy

Jesus said, Let the little children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 NIV

One year ago today the world stopped turning...Maybe it was for a brief moment, but it felt like an eternity to those who know and love Ayden Brooks Jones. The soon to be four month old, was called to Heaven on August 25, 2009. Today we stop to remember the joy he brought to all who were lucky enough to have a part in his life, no matter how small...And we celebrate the part he still plays in our lives, and those who have heard his story.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song, written in remembrance of his daughter, called Heaven is the Face of a Little Girl. This song has been on my mind and in my heart lately, pretty much any time that Ayden's face flashes across my memory. When I think of Ayden, I think of all the children lost before or after their birth that are surrounding Jesus' feet.

It would be a lie to say that all memories are happy ones. I've posted before about that terrible day last year, the phone call from Kristina and the endless hours afterwards on the phone and on Internet trying to find answers. I still get angry at that the gut wrenching hurt that hits me out of no where at times...How dare I be so sad, so upset, so distraught...how dare I question God's plan. If I am feeling this way what to Lindsay and Jeremy feel? His grandparents? His Aunts and Uncles? I selfishly ache for the things his family missed...the first birthday of cake in the face, first steps, first words...

A lot has happened in the past year. Lindsay and Jeremy sold their house and are currently bunking with her parents until getting a new home set up. Collen Brooks Jones (baby boy #2) was born on Sunday, August 22nd. We welcome him with open arms and loving hearts. We pray for happiness and joy to be restored, but also for Ayden never to be forgotten.

Today, I remember a life that changed mine forever.

Don't Define Your Life by Your Biggest Heartache

I've been putting this blog off for over a week, but I'm afraid if I do not type it tonight then it might not get done at all. On July 25th I had the pleasure of visiting Calvary Baptist Church and listening to one of the most wonderful sermons I have ever heard. Pastor Dees shared about Sarah and Abram. The sermon was titled, LIFE WITH GOD, "A Recipe for Disaster". Scripture was taken from Genesis 16:1 - 6.

If you want your relationship/life with God to be a disaster do the following:
Harbor Resentment
Blame God for Your Disappointments
Adopt Worldly Behavior
Be Spiritually Passive
Determine your own Timetable

As I was filling out the sermon outline I jotted down a few things that really spoke to me and wanted to share them with my handful of readers. First, you must understand the events in Abram's and Sarah's life. When Abram had been promised to be a father of great nations, and Sarah, not able to have children, determined her own timetable and thought that the only way God's promise could be fulfilled is for her husband to father children with her servant. With that being said, these were some of the things that stood out to me.

First - Your life can be defined by your biggest heartache...Sarah became known by her circumstances, can you imagine that she perhaps walked into a crowded room and the pity people felt b/c she could not have children, or perhaps she introduced herself and said, Hi I'm Sarah and I can't have kids....Her trouble had become her identity.

Second - Sometimes people make their trouble their shield - A place to hide...Oh how many times have I hidden behind my own fears, disappointments, and heartaches? Let's face it, some days I still do this, but I think that's natural to a point.

Third - When you are living in Genesis 16 it is hard to wait for and see the hope in Genesis 21. Completely confused? In Genesis 16, Sarah takes God's plan into her own hands, in Genesis 21 she becomes pregnant. Guilty again - It's so easy to get wrapped up into the events and the circumstances of the present and to see no light at the end of the tunnel or hope for the future.

Fourth - The resentment you harbor is the sin that Jesus died for.

Towards the conclusion we were given several ways for your life with God to be a success and the one thing that spoke most to me was this; HAS THE THING I AM EXPECTING, OR BEING DISAPPOINTED ABOUT, BEEN PROMISED TO ME BY GOD? Maybe that isn't as revolutionary to you as it was to me, but man. How many times have I thought something that I wanted was about to happen, maybe this relationship was going to work out, or this job, or anything else that I dreamed up in my head and actually thought that God was having a hand in it but had no justification that he was? Too many - too many that were not promised to me by God. How can we question and be disappointed with God for things he never promised us. As I was reading back over my notes today I started thinking about something else, when bad things happen to good people. We always say, they didn't deserve that. Did God ever PROMISE Christians that we would be spared by heartache and pain? No...so we should not be bitter, angry, or disappointed with Him about it.

With all that being said...I have a long way to go. I still have circumstances that I wish were different, but God has them that way for a reason. I still see good people go through bad things and get angry about it. Today I was looking at a picture of a friend who passed away a few years ago and out loud I said, "I miss you, it's just not fair." God never promised me fair. He never promised me a lifetime with the people I love. He never promised me marriage or kids. He promised me a life of eternity in Heaven and all I had to do was accept him into my life. I am so undeserving of what He has given me.

Frustrated

Sometimes...I don't know where to begin, or even if I should. First, I was very worried about having no 'structure' in my summer and more free time than I know what to do with. Tomorrow starts week two of 'free time' and I can name one thing I've done for ALLISON in the past two weeks. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect to spend these two months pampering myself and doing exactly what I want and when I want to, but I do expect some time to recuperate from what seemed to be the most trying year, professionally, emotionally, and personally, that I've ever had.

This weekend I spent some time at a the beach for a friend's wedding, it was a whirlwind of events really. I stopped in Fayetteville to pick up Blaire (what a good friend to tag along since mom could not make it) and then headed to Ocean Isle for the wedding...This morning we got up and decided to ride to Myrtle Beach because it was only 30 minutes down the road. When we got here we visited the Aquarium and found our favorite spot to eat as well as our favorite MB meal - A cheeseburger in paradise.

At some point over this 24 hour road trip we stopped in one of those little photo booths - you know the ones that charge you $5 to make four silly pictures...but at least they give you two copies...Anyway...As I look at this pictures I see what I've been feeling for the past ten months. This reflection of a girl that I don't know anymore. The reflection of someone who was going just fine down the path of self discovery approximately three years ago, who was learning to focus on her needs, her health, and what she wanted in life, as well as what she had to offer life and the people in it. Three years ago I could feel layers peeling off of an insecure 20something year old and a pretty awesome person coming through. It was kind of like when you peal the crunchy skin of an onion off to reach the smooth slick center...minus the smelly part.

Over the past ten months I've dealt with pain that I selfishly feel that no one my age should have to deal with - but God never told me life was going to be easy. I've had to see friends deal with things that make us all wish we were eight years old again playing with sidewalk chalk and baby dolls. Have I had good days? Absolutely! Have I learned from the experience? More than you can imagine...Some of the lessons have been shared, other's haven't...But I've also been hurt, by circumstances, by other people, but mainly by my own self. I expect way too much from myself. I set goals way to high. My plans, rarely work out, if ever. And, I avoid my reflection at all cost, because it reminds me of where I was, and where I am now.

Today, I am not sure exactly where I am headed. A few years ago someone who used to be a dear friend sat down and explained the following verse to me:
"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
At first I thought this meant that whatever my heart desired God would give it to me...I learned, however, that this means if my desires are not HIS desires, as I grow closer to HIM, He will put the desires in my heart that He needs to be there to fulfill his plan. Therefore...if He desires for me to be a wife and mother then he will put the desire for that there. If he desires for me to be a single missionary in China...the desire will be there. Sometimes it's just hard - you know? To wait...to be patient...The desire of my heart right now is to look in the mirror and love the reflection that I see...no matter what my hair looks like that day, or the clothes that I'm wearing, or maybe that my face is a little fuller than it was a few months ago...I just want to be able to dig down deep and love the person that God created...because as I was told yesterday, He makes no mistakes.

Today I am thankful for the people who will read this and not feel sorry for me, but begin to pray with me for transformation. It is NOT going to be an easy road, but it's past time for it to happen on a permanent basis this time. I am also thankful for six girls who began a small group Bible study with me last week - I look forward to a summer of growing with you.

The Road to Recovery

The road to recovery has never been an easy one. If it was easy, we would not appreciate and learn from the hardships in life. I am a firm believer that God allows trials in our life in order to shape us into the people that he wants us to become. He is the potter, I am the clay. Sometimes this means adding moisture, sometimes taking away. Sometimes it means speeding up the wheel, and sometimes it means slowing it down...And yes, it even sometimes means starting all over again. The past nine months have not been easy. People have gone out of my life that I thought would always be a part of it, and over time I've learned to accept and deal with it. I've had to face some of those 'grown-up' issues that make you wish you were just a naive five year old again. I am constantly reminded, or reminding myself, that God does not give us more than we can handle, but as humans we sometimes put more on ourselves than we can handle.

Today is father's day. My heart is broken for those who have lost their fathers recently, or at a young age, being cheated out of so many life long memories. For you - I pray that you can hold onto the memories and times when you were most happy with your dad.

In the same way, my heart aches for the fathers who have lost their children. A parent should never have to say goodbye to their child. For these dads, hold onto the memories that make your heart smile.

My heart aches for those who still have fathers on this earth, but their relationships are tattered. Perhaps because they don't feel that they can be perfectly honest with each other, or too many things have gone unsaid that should be.

My heart aches for those who never knew their real fathers or had a father figure in their life to help shape them into who they are today.

My dad is not perfect. He is not always right. He is not always in a good mood. He does however live by the golden rule - and treats everyone how he would want to be treated, and most of the time better. Sometimes it frustrates me, in a selfish way...to see how he goes out of his way for others, putting himself last. Willing to give you the shirt off his back. He would go above and beyond for anyone he knows, family, friends, and even strangers. He is a peace maker and finds the good in everyone, even if it is only a tiny speck. He forgives seven times seventy. He is a hard worker, sometimes we all agree that he works too hard. When I was little, I was definitely a "Daddy's Girl". He is still the one that I go to for help when my car or house gives me trouble, when I need to hang a picture on the wall, or when I need weed and feed put on the lawn... and yes, at twenty-seven years old, when I need a shoulder to cry on he is there. (Although I admit my mother has to deal with that last one way more often - I don't like to cry in front of my dad.)

Today I am thankful for a Christian father who taught me the value of hard work, family, and of my heavenly Father. I am thankful for a man who always tries to do what is right. I am thankful for someone who is willing to keep others happy, even if it means disappointment or hurt for himself. If God lined up 100 men and told me to pick my dad, I could not have hand picked a better one.