Grandma's Garden

Isn't it funny, how one simple gesture can bring back a flood of childhood memories? A friend of mine sent me a beautiful picture of a buttercup today...Yep, the simple yellow ones you often find growing in random places...like the ditch....Little did I know, that hours later I would still be thinking about it...and I knew if I didn't write what was on my heart I may never go to sleep tonight.

My Grandma Rose has the greenest thumbs of anyone that I know...in fact I would argue with you that all ten of her fingers are green. I have so many fond childhood memories with her, and most of them were time we spent in her yard. She would spend hours every spring planting flowers that she knew would only live a season, and she could make them last longer than anyone I know. From one end of the shrubs in the back yard to the other she would dig tiny holes as my brother and I would follow behind dropping the small plants in, watering them, covering them back up with soil, watching them grow throughout the season. As my brother got older and spent more time on the farm, I continued my time with Grandma, especially over Spring break and the summer.

Although she only lives about a mile from my parent's house, I would beg to go spend the night with her on the weekends. I recall one spring break I spent nearly the entire week out of school with her. Our favorite snack was a bowl of Cheetos and these peanut butter cookies that I can still see and smell...but know for a fact you can't buy them anywhere. We would walk up and down the chicken house path, talking about everything under the sun. And it seems like every new years eve as a Child, I can remember sitting on the love seat in her living room watching the ball drop while eating ice cream. She used to eat vanilla ice cream with for supper with her cup of coffee.

She loves Jesus, and reading her Bible. When we weren't outside digging in the dirt, we were either inside practicing my spelling words or playing Bible Tic Tack Toe...I have no idea where she got that game from but I do know I rather play that any day than anything else she had in that toy cabinet.

I could sit here tonight, and write a novel about all of the memories with my Grandma Rose that I hold so near and dear to my heart...but today I've just spent a lot of time thinking about her, her love of her garden...her love of her family.

Grandma Rose isn't the same woman she was when I was a child. She isn't the same woman she was ten years ago...or even five. Each passing day seems to be robbing her of what little memory she has left, and the ones she does have seem to be clouded and mixed up. She still lives at home and has 24 hour care. We gradually see her slipping away. It has broken the hearts of her children, her grandchildren, and the others who love her dearly. I know, it happens sometimes when people get older. I know that she has had a wonderful life and is physically healthy even though her mind is not. Some people wonder why we find it so important to still celebrate holidays with her when she won't remember tomorrow that today was Christmas (or what have you)...But this is why...She may not have these memories...but we will.

My heart is a little bit sad tonight...but also full of joy for the time God has allowed me with her and will continue to allow in His Will. I credit her for the Christian I am today and for never being too busy to spend time with me, or too impatient to let me help her in her garden.

God's Crock Pot

Sometimes...I just get stuck...

Yesterday I spent a great amount of time on my front porch enjoying the beautiful day that God created for us. Gilbert and I enjoyed the sunshine so much - sometimes we get tired of each other in this house!

After an amazing time of worship yesterday morning I craved more time with my Savior. I did a good bit of reading and Bible study outside yesterday. I have NEVER been a faithful journal writer, even after some great friends gave me the advice to start last year, I didn't stick with it. Lately, I've been working more towards a prayer journal. God wants to talk to us in any form or fashion, but I find it therapudic to write my prayers to him. Yesterday before I wrote my prayer I went back to day one of this journal, started a litle over a year ago. Reading through it I realized how far God has brought me since last March. I won't get into personal details of my journal....because that's what a journal is, personal details meant for that person only.

Last night I returned to church for a fantastic series about Joseph entitled "From the Pit to the Palace". Everything that was said last night was God speaking straight to my heart. God's providents in my life is always methodical and often mysterious. He uses the people we meet, the messages we recieve, and the ministries he blesses us with to reveal his plan for our life. Sometimes...when I'm stuck...I cry out to the Lord, asking for him to just show me the answer, open the door, open my heart...but I constantly remind myself that it's God's time, not my own. In the words of the pastor - "God doesn't work with a microwave, he works with a crock pot."

So...now I'm sitting in the crockpot, waiting see what kind of masterpiece God is fixin' in the kitchen. :)

When Tragedy Strikes...

So...My Bible study group and I have been into our study on David for about four weeks now. It is truly changing my life. First off, I am so thankful for the opportunity to sit in the living room with Christian women studying God's word and learning from each other without the fear of someone bursting down our door and harming us. We take so much for granted!

Second, I am blessed beyond measure by these women each week. I honestly believe that God has placed each of them in my life for a reason. One year ago Ashley and I began a study together that brought us closer together as friends and closer to God, through that, the door opened for our group to grow and for God to work. There came a time in my life when I felt like I was completely drying up spiritually and God showed me that we cannot depend on others to do the feeding. Tonight, on our Bible study video, Beth Moore said, "What are you going to do, when it's only you?" I was to a point, it was only me. I had the option of caving into it, crawling under a rock, and waiting...or to take the situation into my own hands, start working on my relationship with Christ and asking for his will again.

Third, and most importantly, I can feel God drawing me closer to Him on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days when I have to fight the Devil away (he sure does turn it up a notch when he realizes your fire has grown). Each Bible study that Ashley and I have done together (I say that because we are now on number four, with five additional friends), we talk about how perfect the timing is...Once again, that holds true with David.

So, with all of that being said, here is where I am at...

- I must continue to seek God and stop trying to please people - you can't do both.

- Sometimes God requires you to come to him with a group of people, and sometimes he wants only you.

- Sometimes God is silent but still working.

- When we are convicted about something, and get it out of our lives, this clears the way for God to make his next move.

- Sometimes...God has to completely break your heart, in order to heal it and make his will known.

- You can find a great church, you can listen to the right radio station, you can pick all the right friends...but unless you have a personal relationship and time with God on a regular basis, you'll never experience fully what he has in store for you. You must seek him at home, at work, at play...All throughout your day!

I'm so excited about what he has in store for my future. I know that he has a lot of work left to do with me, but I am finally feeling ready for it. This Bible study is pulling up feelings and experiences that I've kept deep inside, some of them tragic...But as they come to the surface it's almost like peeling off layers finding who I truly am. God never promised us a bed of roses, but he did promise to stand beside us during the storms.

Whiter than Snow

Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."

I think the idea and the commitment that come with new years resolutions are physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. The pressure we put on ourselves to choose one or two, then to actually carry them out...exercise every day, eat right, read more, clean more, right our wrongs...Not that these in any way are a bad thing, but sometimes we can become so wrapped up in them that in a way, we loose our self and what our focus should really be on.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I put my entire heart into whatever I do, from the menial task of cleaning the house, to my job in the media center that I attempt to put 110% into on a daily basis. If an idea comes across my mind and I think it's great but know I wouldn't be able to give it 100%, I have to put it out of my mind, and over time have actually learned to say the word no, even though I still struggle with that. When I fail at anything I repeatedly beat myself up over it. Over the course of my time off work I've been praying a lot and doing a bit of soul searching, and asking the question, what is it, we as humans, should have as our main priority. Well obviously, our priority is to glorify God and walk closer with him each day...Unfortunately at times, that is easier said than done.

This year instead of making a resolution, I want to make a commitment (I know - in some context they are the same) to myself, and to God. In 2011 I want to fall hopelessly in love with Jesus who loved me enough to die for me. I want him to be my focus everywhere, and in every relationship that I have. In my heart, I truly believe that if this is what I strive for, everything else will fall into place. Relationships that seem to be tatterred will mend, frustrations that seem to knock me off my path will fade away, and the disappointment I have in myself will turn into Hope through the love of Jesus. There will still be days when I am tempted by Satan to gossip, or to be lazy when things need to be done, but little by little I will get there.

Today, I am thankful for a fresh start. Today, I am thankful that years ago, God washed me, and made me as white as snow, and gives me the opportunity to do that again on a daily basis by simply asking.

Graduation Day

Well - it's finally over. Sometimes the past two years of my life seem to be a blur, others they seem filled with events and emotions that made me grow old...fast...Some dealing with grad school, others not so much. I made a concious effort to enjoy every single moment of this day, and the people that spent it with me. I always find the closing of a chapter in life a little bittersweet. Something I've been working so hard toward and putting my effort into, no longer needs my effort, not in the same way anyway. Wonder what the next chapter will hold...

Doctor Delima

So here's the honest truth - I do EVERYTHING I can to avoid the doctor's office. I don't know if it comes from my fear of needles, or the fact that every time I go I lose between 2-4 hours of my life waiting because my family doctor doesn't take appointments. He's the sweetest old man, but perhaps the most old fashioned one I know. You go in, sign your name on the list and wait...or get his receptionist to call you back with a good time to come when you might not have to wait as long, but will probably still have to wait an hour.

With that being said, for the past three days I've put off a trip to the doctor. My ear hurts so bad now I'm considering a trip to the ER...then I think...well I can sit there three hours too...or sit here and wait for the doctor to open...So I'm sitting...waiting...Knowing that an ear ache doesn't go away on it's own and should have been taken care of three days ago...why am I so stubborn?

Comfort

Over the summer one of my dearest friend's grandfather passed away. He hadn't been doing well for quite a while, and although his passing was expected, it did not make it an easy one. The fact that he was in his bedroom while the family was in the kitchen or working on his farm brought comfort. When he passed, family, friends, and various others brought physical comfort of a hug, a listening ear, or a hot meal...Let's face it, in the south, sometimes all we know to do is to offer food when death touches the people we love.

Throughout the time of this loss I went with my mom to the home to take a meal and spent a lot of time walking through the house looking at pictures. Pictures are the one way that memories can be captured forever and I believe you can never have too many of them. On the den wall hung three portraits. One of the man's daughter and her family, one of his oldest son and his family, and one of his youngest son who doesn't have his own family yet. Looking at these three pictures broke my heart for the youngest son. Immediately I thought...oh no, he has to face this all alone, who will comfort him? Sure, he is a great comfort for his mom, but what happens when he goes home at night...Who will sit with him at the service? Who will dry his tears?

In sharing this story, I fast forward five months to the events of today. It was a privilege to hear my friend Jeremy speak this morning on the past fifteen months of his and his families loss, grief, comfort, and hope. Jeremy shared so many profound realisations, Bible verses, and testimony today that it would take a while to share it all, but I would like to share what I walked away with. If we are solely putting our hope, faith, and need for comfort in the hands of humans, we will be disappointed. Jeremy spoke of what a comfort it was to have an elder in their church spend time with them who had been through the loss of a child. Someone who has walked in your shoes, someone who can be with you, yet not have to say a word and know exactly what you are thinking. I firmly believe that God allows certain situations in our lives so that we may help others if/when they have to face similar circumstances. He wants us to have people on earth in which we can rely and find comfort, but HE should be our ultimate comforter.

Jeremy also spoke about how Christians are not promised a perfect and wonderful life. No one ever taught us by saying Yes to God that he was going to hand you a perfect little life. If this was a perfect little life then what would we look forward to in Heaven? We are going to hurt, we are going to grieve, we are going to ask why, and we are going to have bad days...but think about what is promised once those days are behind us.

Today was one of those days when you hear something you have heard before, but it came with new meaning. Today I knew if the son in my story has his eyes focused on the comforter than he was in much better shape than any human could possibly offer. I am not saying that we do not need the human comfort offered by friends and family, I just think I personally need to rethink who and what I put my hope and my comfort into.

Today I am thankful for Lindsay and Jeremy. By taking a tragic circumstance, and using it to Glorify God, they are changing the world. I am thankful for Ayden and Collen, their precious boys, and I am thankful that God uses them to open my eyes to His truth on a regular basis.

Psalm 13
1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.