I've been dreading this day for weeks. Why is it that sometimes things get a little easier to handle with time, but others get harder? Maybe it's the time that separates us from that terrible night, maybe it's the space that separates us from family that used to be a stone's throw away. Perhaps it's that tiny bit of regret from actually saying the word no...maybe it's not knowing a good thing until it's gone.
Five years and approximately two weeks ago today I babysat my cousin Jim's kids. I remember the excitement Jim had when he showed me what was left of his 40th birthday cake. This was no ordinary cake you see, it had his photo scanned into the edible icing. He was so attached to the picture - he 'spooned' the cake away from around the edges, and offered me a spoon so I could join him...but cautioned me to only eat around the edges and not to ruin his picture.
What seemed like only a few days later, as my family and I were settling down for the night, a terrible knock came wrapping on the door. One of those knocks that makes you jump out of bed and want to grab your shotgun because you don't know who is on the other side of the door or what they want. To our heartbreak, our neighbors were on the other side letting us know there had been a wreck, not a mile down the road, and that Jim was thought to be dead.
Jim? Who? What? Where?...WHY? Everything was such a blur, can we go back to bed? Pretend it's a dream? Do we go to his house and tell his wife, she shouldn't be alone with the kids? Who will go to Myrtle Beach to get Aunt Emily and bring her home? Someone call Todd...such a blur...so many unanswered questions...
I won't go through the details of that sleepless night or the weekend that followed, but I think saying goodbye to Jim was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Jim was by no means a perfect man. He made mistakes. He made wrong choices. He said wrong things. Tell me, have you never done any of those? I sure have...But Jim was the person who would share what little extra cash he had with a person who had less than he just to get them through a hard time, or make their Christmas a little brighter. He was the type of person who noticed the small things. Jim was the one who would speak first. He was the type of person that loved his Grandma Rose. He was the person that was taken for granted by some before his death. He was the type of person who appreciated a good birthday cake.
Things have changed so much since Jim passed away. Some people were changed forever, their lifestyles, choices and habits. Some people got deeper into their habits, looking temporary comfort in inappropriate places. Some of us wanted to help with flowers, some of us wanted to help clean the house, some of us felt an urge to comfort his wife and his boys. Some people wanted to just get away. Life is just different...so different. It's hard to believe that five years have already passed since that life changing night. Death is inevitable, but the sudden unexpected death of someone you love, someone young...is just hard. I don't know any other way to put it.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Today I'm thankful for the people who understand exactly what I mean. I truly believe God allows our trials in order to help others through similar situations. Hopefully one day I can use what I've learned to help someone. Until then, I will go on loving, especially imperfections, because that is how God loves me.
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