Frustrated

Sometimes...I don't know where to begin, or even if I should. First, I was very worried about having no 'structure' in my summer and more free time than I know what to do with. Tomorrow starts week two of 'free time' and I can name one thing I've done for ALLISON in the past two weeks. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect to spend these two months pampering myself and doing exactly what I want and when I want to, but I do expect some time to recuperate from what seemed to be the most trying year, professionally, emotionally, and personally, that I've ever had.

This weekend I spent some time at a the beach for a friend's wedding, it was a whirlwind of events really. I stopped in Fayetteville to pick up Blaire (what a good friend to tag along since mom could not make it) and then headed to Ocean Isle for the wedding...This morning we got up and decided to ride to Myrtle Beach because it was only 30 minutes down the road. When we got here we visited the Aquarium and found our favorite spot to eat as well as our favorite MB meal - A cheeseburger in paradise.

At some point over this 24 hour road trip we stopped in one of those little photo booths - you know the ones that charge you $5 to make four silly pictures...but at least they give you two copies...Anyway...As I look at this pictures I see what I've been feeling for the past ten months. This reflection of a girl that I don't know anymore. The reflection of someone who was going just fine down the path of self discovery approximately three years ago, who was learning to focus on her needs, her health, and what she wanted in life, as well as what she had to offer life and the people in it. Three years ago I could feel layers peeling off of an insecure 20something year old and a pretty awesome person coming through. It was kind of like when you peal the crunchy skin of an onion off to reach the smooth slick center...minus the smelly part.

Over the past ten months I've dealt with pain that I selfishly feel that no one my age should have to deal with - but God never told me life was going to be easy. I've had to see friends deal with things that make us all wish we were eight years old again playing with sidewalk chalk and baby dolls. Have I had good days? Absolutely! Have I learned from the experience? More than you can imagine...Some of the lessons have been shared, other's haven't...But I've also been hurt, by circumstances, by other people, but mainly by my own self. I expect way too much from myself. I set goals way to high. My plans, rarely work out, if ever. And, I avoid my reflection at all cost, because it reminds me of where I was, and where I am now.

Today, I am not sure exactly where I am headed. A few years ago someone who used to be a dear friend sat down and explained the following verse to me:
"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
At first I thought this meant that whatever my heart desired God would give it to me...I learned, however, that this means if my desires are not HIS desires, as I grow closer to HIM, He will put the desires in my heart that He needs to be there to fulfill his plan. Therefore...if He desires for me to be a wife and mother then he will put the desire for that there. If he desires for me to be a single missionary in China...the desire will be there. Sometimes it's just hard - you know? To wait...to be patient...The desire of my heart right now is to look in the mirror and love the reflection that I see...no matter what my hair looks like that day, or the clothes that I'm wearing, or maybe that my face is a little fuller than it was a few months ago...I just want to be able to dig down deep and love the person that God created...because as I was told yesterday, He makes no mistakes.

Today I am thankful for the people who will read this and not feel sorry for me, but begin to pray with me for transformation. It is NOT going to be an easy road, but it's past time for it to happen on a permanent basis this time. I am also thankful for six girls who began a small group Bible study with me last week - I look forward to a summer of growing with you.

The Road to Recovery

The road to recovery has never been an easy one. If it was easy, we would not appreciate and learn from the hardships in life. I am a firm believer that God allows trials in our life in order to shape us into the people that he wants us to become. He is the potter, I am the clay. Sometimes this means adding moisture, sometimes taking away. Sometimes it means speeding up the wheel, and sometimes it means slowing it down...And yes, it even sometimes means starting all over again. The past nine months have not been easy. People have gone out of my life that I thought would always be a part of it, and over time I've learned to accept and deal with it. I've had to face some of those 'grown-up' issues that make you wish you were just a naive five year old again. I am constantly reminded, or reminding myself, that God does not give us more than we can handle, but as humans we sometimes put more on ourselves than we can handle.

Today is father's day. My heart is broken for those who have lost their fathers recently, or at a young age, being cheated out of so many life long memories. For you - I pray that you can hold onto the memories and times when you were most happy with your dad.

In the same way, my heart aches for the fathers who have lost their children. A parent should never have to say goodbye to their child. For these dads, hold onto the memories that make your heart smile.

My heart aches for those who still have fathers on this earth, but their relationships are tattered. Perhaps because they don't feel that they can be perfectly honest with each other, or too many things have gone unsaid that should be.

My heart aches for those who never knew their real fathers or had a father figure in their life to help shape them into who they are today.

My dad is not perfect. He is not always right. He is not always in a good mood. He does however live by the golden rule - and treats everyone how he would want to be treated, and most of the time better. Sometimes it frustrates me, in a selfish way...to see how he goes out of his way for others, putting himself last. Willing to give you the shirt off his back. He would go above and beyond for anyone he knows, family, friends, and even strangers. He is a peace maker and finds the good in everyone, even if it is only a tiny speck. He forgives seven times seventy. He is a hard worker, sometimes we all agree that he works too hard. When I was little, I was definitely a "Daddy's Girl". He is still the one that I go to for help when my car or house gives me trouble, when I need to hang a picture on the wall, or when I need weed and feed put on the lawn... and yes, at twenty-seven years old, when I need a shoulder to cry on he is there. (Although I admit my mother has to deal with that last one way more often - I don't like to cry in front of my dad.)

Today I am thankful for a Christian father who taught me the value of hard work, family, and of my heavenly Father. I am thankful for a man who always tries to do what is right. I am thankful for someone who is willing to keep others happy, even if it means disappointment or hurt for himself. If God lined up 100 men and told me to pick my dad, I could not have hand picked a better one.

Reality Check

Let's face it...You never know when those 'light bulb' moments are going to hit. You don't know the how and you don't always know the why right after the fact, but it might sink in eventually. But - we all have them - and we all NEED them. God knows when we need them and sometimes they are in a kind act of a friend of stranger, sometimes its when something bad happens, and sometimes it's just a change in heart that might happen when we hear a song on the radio.

Have you ever been so wrapped up in what's going on with you - your opinions, your feelings, your downfalls, successes, and issues that you completely check out of reality? You aren't really effected by things that go on around you unless they directly connect to you and you are going through the motions of work, school, family, whatever?

I've been taking someone for granted. Our friendship has been a slow one to develop over the past two years, in fact I had a very hard time crossing the bridge of being co-workers to being friends. It is no secret that this year has been a struggle for me, to say the least. This person has been a rock for me when I needed to cry, needed to vent, or just needed to sit down and talk. You know those conversations where you can lay EVERYTHING out on the table and they don't judge and they don't even give advice unless you solicit it. The one that can see you are having a terrible day but doesn't pry or push, but looks at you and says, "I'm here when you are ready". That's her.

On Friday tragedy struck this friend. She was having a normal day at work when she got a phone call from her frantic seven year old. All she knew was that her dad had been hurt so she rushed home to find out what was going on. Unfortunately an accident on the family farm had taken her dad - in the blink of an eye. What? How could that be? He was at school a few days before watching her son's class preform a mock-trial...And hadn't I had a conversation with him the day of the grandparent lunch? Yes, there was no way this young Papa had left the face of the earth that fast. I started flashing back to being a six year old and my cousin breaking the news to me of my grandfather's death. As a six year old you take a lot for granted, and honestly, the only thing I understood was that everyone was sad and I needed to pass out tissues. My heart breaks for her two kids who won't get to go fishing with Papa any more, or ride the tractor on the farm. It breaks my heart that Christie won't be able to pick the phone up and call her dad when she needs advice, because lets face it, little girls never get to old for Daddy's advice. Most of all - she, nor her family, deserve this. She has taken this with more grace and understanding then I think I ever would.

Today I am thankful for Christie. For her kindness, friendship, and contagious laughter. Praying for peace and understanding as her family continues to heal from their loss.

A Mary Heart

Then six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus was who had been dead, whom he had raised from the dead. There they made Him supper, and Martha served, but Lazarus was one of those who sat at the table with Him. Then Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil. But one of His disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, who would betray Him, said, "Why was this fragrant oil not sold for three hundred denaril and given to the poor?" This he said, not that he cared for the poor, but because he was a thief and had the money box; and he used to take what was put in it. But Jesus said, "Let her alone; she has kept this for the day of My burial. For the poor you have with you always, but Me you do not have always." John 12:1-8 NKJV

Ashley and I are on week ten of our Bible study - Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I am SUCH a Martha and pretty open about it...but this study has opened my eyes to what a humble woman Mary was and her deep gratitude and love for Jesus. I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks ready for this study to end, move onto a new one. I'm even guilty of the comment, "I mean really, how thin can you stretch the story about Mary and Martha." This study isn't just about Mary and Martha - it is about what they learned from each other, and mainly from Jesus, and how their changes and acts of gratitude showed Jesus their love that only He at times understood. I find Mary's act of breaking the jar of expensive oil and washing Jesus feet with her hair absolutely beautiful.

Not until tonight did I realize how much this jar of oil really was worth, not just monetarily, but also in the grand scheme of Mary's future. It is believed by one author that Mary, Martha, and Lazarus's' parents died several years before the friendship was made between the siblings and Jesus. At this time in history it was common for young women to be part of arranged marriages, although they were given some say in the matter. With no parents to arrange a marriage and living with her brother in her sister's home it would be understood that a marriage had been arranged for none of this children before the parents passing. This entire bottle of oil represented everything that Mary had, everything that she was, and everything she hoped to be...and she anointed her saviors feet with it and washed them with her hair! She gave EVERYTHING she had to Him - EVERYTHING. She was looked down upon by the money grubbing Judas for waisting such an expensive bottle of oil - but this simply beautiful act of kindness was one that is still taught about today (as Jesus said it would be).

How often do we hold onto material things? THINGS that make us happy, PEOPLE that make us happy, personal hopes and dreams that we THINK will make us happy? When in all reality - don't we just need HIM...that should be all we need. For weeks I've felt the question tugging at my heart - Allison, how much are you willing to sacrifice. Honestly, I still don't know the answer to that, but after this weeks study I feel a small step closer to finding it.