Frustrated

Sometimes...I don't know where to begin, or even if I should. First, I was very worried about having no 'structure' in my summer and more free time than I know what to do with. Tomorrow starts week two of 'free time' and I can name one thing I've done for ALLISON in the past two weeks. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect to spend these two months pampering myself and doing exactly what I want and when I want to, but I do expect some time to recuperate from what seemed to be the most trying year, professionally, emotionally, and personally, that I've ever had.

This weekend I spent some time at a the beach for a friend's wedding, it was a whirlwind of events really. I stopped in Fayetteville to pick up Blaire (what a good friend to tag along since mom could not make it) and then headed to Ocean Isle for the wedding...This morning we got up and decided to ride to Myrtle Beach because it was only 30 minutes down the road. When we got here we visited the Aquarium and found our favorite spot to eat as well as our favorite MB meal - A cheeseburger in paradise.

At some point over this 24 hour road trip we stopped in one of those little photo booths - you know the ones that charge you $5 to make four silly pictures...but at least they give you two copies...Anyway...As I look at this pictures I see what I've been feeling for the past ten months. This reflection of a girl that I don't know anymore. The reflection of someone who was going just fine down the path of self discovery approximately three years ago, who was learning to focus on her needs, her health, and what she wanted in life, as well as what she had to offer life and the people in it. Three years ago I could feel layers peeling off of an insecure 20something year old and a pretty awesome person coming through. It was kind of like when you peal the crunchy skin of an onion off to reach the smooth slick center...minus the smelly part.

Over the past ten months I've dealt with pain that I selfishly feel that no one my age should have to deal with - but God never told me life was going to be easy. I've had to see friends deal with things that make us all wish we were eight years old again playing with sidewalk chalk and baby dolls. Have I had good days? Absolutely! Have I learned from the experience? More than you can imagine...Some of the lessons have been shared, other's haven't...But I've also been hurt, by circumstances, by other people, but mainly by my own self. I expect way too much from myself. I set goals way to high. My plans, rarely work out, if ever. And, I avoid my reflection at all cost, because it reminds me of where I was, and where I am now.

Today, I am not sure exactly where I am headed. A few years ago someone who used to be a dear friend sat down and explained the following verse to me:
"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
At first I thought this meant that whatever my heart desired God would give it to me...I learned, however, that this means if my desires are not HIS desires, as I grow closer to HIM, He will put the desires in my heart that He needs to be there to fulfill his plan. Therefore...if He desires for me to be a wife and mother then he will put the desire for that there. If he desires for me to be a single missionary in China...the desire will be there. Sometimes it's just hard - you know? To wait...to be patient...The desire of my heart right now is to look in the mirror and love the reflection that I see...no matter what my hair looks like that day, or the clothes that I'm wearing, or maybe that my face is a little fuller than it was a few months ago...I just want to be able to dig down deep and love the person that God created...because as I was told yesterday, He makes no mistakes.

Today I am thankful for the people who will read this and not feel sorry for me, but begin to pray with me for transformation. It is NOT going to be an easy road, but it's past time for it to happen on a permanent basis this time. I am also thankful for six girls who began a small group Bible study with me last week - I look forward to a summer of growing with you.