Though my Heart is Torn...I will Praise You in this Storm

*Please note - I started this post on November 5th, 2011. I came back today to check my drafts and have wanted to share this story with you for a long time, so I decided to edit and post.

Nov. 5, 2011...

Hello Faithful Readers - all tenish of you. A dear friend of mine called me last week and said, Allison I read your blog the other day and you are way behind! I haven't been able to access my blog in about three months. I am so excited to finally be back...honestly I need something right now to help pass the time.

My Grandma Batten was admitted to the ER at Rex hospital last Sunday. The past seven days have been some of the most emotional I have experienced in quite a while. Her oxygen levels were very low and she was retaining a lot of fluid. Things have been up and down all week. I'm carefully typing this post and trying to keep it simple, as I am running on very little brain power and sleep.

January 16, 2012...

Wow - so much has changed since this last post...I will try to catch you up quickly. Grandma spent a little over a week in various places of Rex hospital at the end of October and beginning of November. She went from ICU to a regular room, to CCU, back to a regular room and was discharged to a local rehabilitation and nursing care center (hopefully for a temporary time before going back home). This time was one of the most trying and scariest that our family has ever experienced.

On Wednesday, November 2nd, Grandma could talk of nothing but going home to be with Jesus. It was hard to sit by her bedside and listen to her wishes and desires, to hear her ask my brother questions, me questions, make sure mom knew exactly what she wanted, right down to the outfit she wanted to wear. She was having a party that night in her hospital room, while the rest of us yearned for her to stay with us, to stop 'talking crazy', and to just put up a will to fight. The following Friday, I could hardly drag myself out of bed. I woke up with a very heavy heart and foggy mind. I went to work and cried my way through morning duty...Came into the library and cried my way through open check out. I was caught between my obligation of work, and needing to be with my family. I knew something was wrong that day. Now for those of you who know me, I am a strong person. To see me cry is usually because it's linked to tragedy. To show emotion is something I taught myself not to do (not in the sense of crying anyway) a few years ago. I had to stop crying over everything in order to survive. Luckily, a dear friend at work knows me better than I know myself. She finally walked across the hallway, told me she had a sub lined up to come in at 11:30 and that I was going to visit my Grandma. I was incapable of making that decision for myself, thank goodness God gives us friends to look out for us!

I got to Rex between 1 and 2 and spent about two hours with grandma and some other family members before they took her down for an upper GI procedure. They took her down around four and my Aunt (who had flown in from TX the night before) desperately wanted a shower and a nap. I, not being one to like sitting around, volunteered to drive her to my uncle's. Jason went with me and we stopped at Starbucks on the way back. The idea of drinking coffee, away from the hospital, and attempting to talk about something other than all that had gone wrong was so appealing to me that afternoon. No sooner had we gotten our coffee, Jason's phone rang. I could tell it was my mother, and I knew if she was calling him, instead of me, it was bad news. Grandma had coded...That's all they knew. Rex is not even a mile from Starbucks, but it seemed like an eternity between getting in the car and getting back to my family.

Immediately all of these thoughts start flying through my head...bad thoughts (this could be it)...good thoughts (like how glad I was that SL sent me home from school that day because it could be the last time I saw my grandma). The next few hours seemed like a life time. The hospital Chaplin spent a lot of time with us. There was a lot of waiting, and walking down long halls into secret rooms. Through this process I found out that giving up the show Grey's Anatomy a few years ago was a good thing, I already knew too much about those secret rooms and was certain they took us back there to break the bad news to us. Fortunately, they were able to bring her back, but she was on a respirator and things would be touch and go for a while. I think she was asleep for about three days. There were times of consciousness when she would wake up, try to talk, smile at us and go back to sleep. But for the most part - she was on vacation (in a sense).

Things are such a blur after that, from the three days in CCU and then moving to a regular room, and within a week she was moved to rehab. I realize that families go through things like this all the time, and more times than not, the results are a lot worse than what we went through...But I do know this was the most trying time my mom's side of the family has ever faced.

I learned a lot through those two weeks, and the ones that have followed...

- Don't take a moment with the ones you love for granted. Okay, so they drive you absolutely crazy sometimes, so what. If your grandma wants you to come over and sit with her - do it. If your granddaddy wants you to go to a parade with him, do it.

- Don't forget to praise God in the storms, and in the sunshine. It was so easy to pray while Grandma was in the hospital - we had nothing but time to pray...But we, as humans, so often forget to stop and thank God when he actually gives us (or in some cases doesn't) what we ask for.

- Work...is not the most important thing on the face of this earth. If you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach saying 'go' - then do it and don't look back. I love my job, the kids, and the people I work with, but they are not the top priority in my life.

- God is not going to leave your side...how quickly we leave His sometimes though...

Here is is, two months later, and grandma is doing fantastic. She still lives at the rehabilitation center and her loving husband has been to see her almost every day. She was able to spend the day at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. She's lost a lot of weight and is feeling stronger on a daily basis, she has even walked a few steps. Granddaddy has also been able to take care of some of his health issues that have been put on the back burner for a while. Our prayer is that once she is home, that she will continue to work hard, do things for herself, and not settle into the old way of life.

Highlights of Summer

Today started my seventh year working for NRMPS. Sometimes college feels like a lifetime ago...and sometimes the first day in my classroom feels like yesterday. I've been preparing mentally all week for today's return to the creek. This will be my fourth year as a media specialist and my first full year of not working on grad school while working - that is a huge relief!

A few days ago I was reflecting on the time I had this summer to do exactly what I wanted. This is the first summer in four that I haven't been either in grad school or working a part time job, or both. I thought I would share with some of my faithful readers the fun that I had this summer with a little countdown (these are in no particular order):

BABY LOVE - I had the chance to visit with the Griffin's and their little girl Natalie. She is such a smart girl! At a little over nine months she is now working on her walking skills. I was able to spend some time with the Carmichael's and their little girl Lydia. She at almost a year is walking all over the place and saying a few words. Last but not least I spent a little time with Lindsay and Collen this summer. It has been amazing watching these three little ones learn and grow over the past year.


WILMINGTON - I only made it to Wilmington once this summer, but boy did I enjoy my time there. I always like staying with Amy, Gary, and now Lydia. While I was down I also got to spend a day with Jason and meet his brother Jeremy.

READING - I have so enjoyed reading books this summer that I picked and not that someone told me to read. This summer I read HEAVEN IS FOR REAL, CRAZY LOVE, TILLY, THE GUERNSEY LITERARY AND POTATO PEEL PIE SOCIETY, THE HELP (that was really more of the Spring), and I am now working on REASON FOR GOD and A LINEAGE OF GRACE.

JULY 4th - So - usually this is just an okay holiday for me. I always enjoy spending the weekend at the lake with family and friends and a good fireworks show...but this year JULY 4th would certainly be on the top ten list (if there was one). I spent the weekend at the lake and Jason came up to join in the fun. *insert cheesy music here* - I've always wondered what it would be like to do things that have always been a 'tradition' - like the lake at fourth of July and the fireworks - with someone else. It was such a great experience sharing this with Jason. We also had a blast with some friends from his home church on Monday.

DISNEY WORLD - Blaire and I went to Disney world this year! We had wanted to go after our fifth year of teaching but Blaire's liver had other ideas, so we did it after year six instead. We stayed at a 'grown up resort' this time as opposed to a kid friendly. We had a great view of Cinderella's Castle from our beach area and could get to most of the parks on the monorail. It was a lot of fun! Look for more pictures and a separate post later.

LAKE GASTON - Well - if you know me at all you should have known this was coming. I absolutely love lake Gaston. It's the one place that I can go and completely relax! I was able to spend time there with Blaire, Tracy, Jennifer, my family, many other friends, and Jason this year. I even got brave enough last week to 'teach' Jason how to drive the wave runner. Again, if you know me at all you know this was a challenge b/c I don't like riding on any sort of transportation with anyone. He did such a great job of making me feel safe...until...he decided we need to do a few donuts and the waves tipped us right over...when I knew I was going off the wave runner I grabbed his life jacket and took him with me. :)

MOVIES - I've seen some GREAT movies this summer both at theaters and rented from Red Box. These include: GREEN LANTERN, TRANSFORMERS, WINNIE THE POOH (hey we all know I am a six year old at heart), THE SMURFS, SOUL SURFER, GULLIVER'S TRAVELS, and THE HELP.

BIBLE STUDY - My Bible study group wrapped up a six week study in early August called HE SPEAKS TO ME. I really enjoyed the time of fellowship and growth with some awesome ladies this summer. God has amazed and blessed me beyond what I deserve over the past year.

JASON - Okay - I might embarrass him, or perhaps myself, but you have seen that I've mentioned him several times in the above list. There's no doubt in my mind that this summer was so great because of him. It amazes me how an experience (like the lake on fourth of July, or the aquarium) that you have done many times in your life can be almost brand new when you have someone to share them with. That's all I'll say about that...for now. :)

What Distracts You?

Hello Readers - Sorry for being MIA for a while...If you read my last post I was wishing to stay busy - well wish granted! I'm glad to report that I am home for a while and enjoying this extremely hot NC summer....

I haven't written about Bible study much lately and some great things have been happening there so fasten your seat belts, here comes a sermon. ;)

Our group of eight has almost completed the study: HE SPEAKS TO ME by Priscilla Schreier (forgive my spelling please). This has been a wonderful study of reflection and self discovery for us all. We have done several studies over the past year of different people in Scripture, so this is a nice change of pace. We have been talking about being still and letting God speak to us. BOY do I struggle with that. For any of you who know me at all - you know that Rose blood runs through my veins like kids run through candy stores. The Roses do not 'be still'...sit still...stand still...lie still...LoL. When our feet hit the ground in the morning we go until the are back in the air that night. There are several people in my life that are attempting to help me ... 'slow down and smell the roses'. It seems to be working, but I have a long way to go. I take note of simple things like a beautiful flower or peaceful sunset - things I've never really appreciated before. Over the past week I spent some time in Florida with a friend from Barton College. If asked my favorite part of the trip - it was sitting STILL on the 'beach' at the resort and watching the fireworks being shot off at Cinderella's Castle about a mile away. Something I never would have put a lot of thought into before...It was pretty amazing. So I encourage you - to BE STILL and see the beauty in the small things.

This week - I have been very convicted about distractions. I think it began last week when our Bible study was about being still and waiting to hear from God, and I was in one of the busiest vacation spots on this side of the country - Walt Disney World. I fought to find time while I was away to get Bible study completed, much less sit and listen for God's voice...but I heard it a few times, and saw Him in several things along the way.

Today as I worked on my Bible study I was very distracted by the things around me...As soon as I got started the dog needed to go out...Then my phone chimed with a text message (usually my phone is on silent and in another room when I work on Bible study b/c it deserves my undivided attention)...When I didn't respond to the text, my house phone starts ringing - it was like a chain reaction started by the devil to keep me from my Bible study...but it's okay I won. :) I just got to thinking today about how sad it is how easily we are distracted. We can devote three hours to a movie with a friend, but have a hard time finding thirty minutes a day to spend in God's word. We can drive an hour for dinner with a friend, but have a hard time bouncing out of bed and going to church for three hours once a week. We can spend HOURS of our time wasted on Facebook, Twitter, Google...whatever...But again, can't make time for God. I'm really trying to work on these things personally. I know it is important to dedicate time to the people in our lives that we love, and to things that we enjoy - But shouldn't God be our greatest love, and time with him come first on the 'daily to do list'? Rhetorical question - you don't have to answer it.

Well, that's about enough rambling for now. My prayer is that my focus turns from things of this world (I think technology would probably be my biggest distraction) to things pleasing to the Father. Don't get me wrong - sometimes the things of this world can be great tools to carry out His will...but most of the time, they are just a stumbling block between where we are and where he wants us to be.

Sweet Summertime!

Well - I've been out of school...or should I say done with work for the summer...for almost a week now. There will be days this summer that I go to school to do things that I just can't get done when the kids are there...but basically I'm on vacation for the next seven weeks. If the past seven days are any indication of my summer to come - it's going to be a crazy and exciting ride!

Wednesday morning I woke up and hit the gym. I've joined the Y for the summer and hope that I can now transform the outside to match the way I feel on the inside - which is awesome! After the gym I hit the road to Southport where I would get to spend time with Amy, Gary, and Lydia. Amy and I always have a lot of catching up to do and no matter how much time we have - it's never enough! One morning as we went for a walk a neighbor said we didn't walk long enough - I quickly let him know we were working our mouths as fast as we were our legs so it all counted! I can't get over how big Lydia is getting. She's eight months old now - crawling, pulling up, and babbling a little bit. She is really a happy baby and LOVES her mama. I've posted a few pictures for those of you who keep up with her. She loves fruit and has the cutest little laugh...she laughed at me a lot...guess I'm goofy looking.

I would like to say that my trip to Southport was a great vacation - but I stayed on the go! Thursday I met Jason and we went to meet his brother for lunch in Carolina Beach. We were able to visit the aquarium and spend some time at the beach. I do love a good walk on the beach with sand between my toes! The day ended at Rucker John's - one of my top ten favorite places to eat! I was so excited for Amy and Gary to meet Jason. We had great conversation and fellowship before all going our separate ways.

Friday I hit the road again after lunch with Amy, Jane, and Lydia. Todd and Bonnie have been back in NC for almost a year and I hadn't made it to Wilmington yet to visit - that's just shameful! Their house is beautiful and seated right in front of the sound. Jake and Emmie enjoy life by the water where they catch their own shrimp for lunch and at times have caught interesting sea creatures...like baby sharks. I was pretty terrified of walking out on their long doc, at one point, Emmie had one arm and Jake had the other trying to persuade me to walk out a little farther...after a while I finally made it to the end...I'm trying to work through my irrational fears...but it's going to take some work. Jake is quite the little kyaker *sorry that's probably not a real word*. He and Todd enjoyed a trip across the sound while I was there. My favorite part of the house is the porch. I'm sure Bonnie and I could have sat out there and talked for hours if time was endless. I never learned 'the art of relaxing'...but I think that may be one place I could do it.

By Friday night I was back home and ready to crash. Woke up Saturday and did the normal cleaning thing so I could hit the dusty trail again Saturday afternoon. I've been waiting for a chance to take Jason to Lake Gaston. This is another place where I can relax and let my guard down. We enjoyed riding on the boat with mom, dad, and part of dad's family. It's always nice to get away from reality (which I plan to do a lot this summer if I can).

Sunday - life slowed down a bit. Went to church and had a fantastic lunch with mom. We spent the evening at Grandma and Granddaddy Batten's celebrating Father's Day.

This week - I'm ready for a slow down. Gilbert and I are hanging out with Buddy today and Blaire is coming on Wednesday. We look forward to some time poolside and maybe a movie.

May the road always be free of traffic jams and the gas money be plentiful!

Life is Good :)

Testimony

I have been holding this blog in the back of my mind for over a week...so it's time to let it out.

Two Saturday's ago I attending a ladies luncheon at church. I was so excited to have an opportunity to get to know some ladies in my Sunday School class a little better. When we signed up for to participate in this event I am not sure any of us knew exactly what we were signing up for - but it was well worth it. The morning was spent in prayer, song, fellowship, food, and some amazing testimonies. As I was listening to teenagers sharing their testimony and someone closer to my age...I began to think...Allison if you sat down and wrote your testimony what would it look like...So for those of you who are interested...Here goes...

My life in church began nine months before I was born. Raised in Sunday School, church, GAs, Youth Group...you get the point. It has always been a bit of a misconception in my mind that you had to have a life altering event to turn your life around for Jesus in order to have an amazing testimony...I could not be more wrong. Don't misunderstand - you do have to change, from the inside out, but it doesn't mean you had to be a drug dealer on the streets who stumbled into church one day and be completely turned upside down.

When in seventh grade, at a youth conference in Wake Forest, I gave my life to Christ. I already felt like I was a pretty good person and was very excited to share this news with my family and friends. I took my walk with Christ very seriously...As I grew older I watched friends and acquaintances make choices that were harmful to them....Harmful relationships, harmful habits...People that I love, walking down a path I chose not to go down. Further down the road, in 10th grade, I attended Go Tell Camp at Liberty University. Here I felt the call to dedicate my life and service to Christ. This was a different call than my actual decision to become a Christian. This was a commitment to go where ever, and do whatever He asked to better His kingdom. I thought standing up for my morals and beliefs was all I needed. Although it was kind of a hit and miss with me as far as a daily quiet time and walk with Jesus - I knew my choices would make Him proud of me. Not until about teen years later did I realize...that was only a small portion of what He wanted from me.

Without going into a lot of detail (for my few regulars who already know about the past two years of my life), God has truly been working on my heart for the past eight months. Through Bible Study, a few mentors, a lot of time in the word and prayer...I have been completely transformed from the inside and now I'm working on the outside. I've learned so much through Bible study with my small group and my individual time with Christ. First - you cannot expect your preacher to give you what you need to get you through the week. Don't get me wrong - it's great to be fed on Sundays - but if you are going from Sunday to Sunday and not digging on your own during the week...you need to rethink that. Second - no one said being a Christian would be a bed of roses. I had been picked on some in high school and college for the things I chose to participate in and the things I didn't...but that was small potatoes to this whole 'being a grown up' thing (which is a bit over-rated by the way). Sometimes as Christians when we are going through the valley we chose to say why me (you know - play the pity card a bit)...Instead, we should say, okay Lord, why have you brought me here? What can I learn from it? BOY was this a HARD lesson for ALLISON! One of the most valuable lessons I have learned over the past study (and I mentioned this in my last blog I think) - Sometimes God must allow us to crawl into the pit (or valley) in order to refocus our minds and hearts towards him, so that he can prepare us for what's coming. I can look back over the past two years and see every reason for suffering that I have faced. I can look at my present and see how that prepared me for it. And I can look at the future and see that no matter what faces me - I am better prepared for it.

I am thrilled at where I am in life right now. I'm walking hand-in-hand with Christ and have been amazed at the amount of positive I can see in things and the blessings that I am so undeserving of. My prayer is that I can use my transformation to lead other's to Christ. I mentioned earlier that in tenth grade I dedicated my life to Christ - Some people thinks this means I will one day sell my house, pack two bags, and move to China...It might mean that...but right now I feel like I'm exactly where he wants me to be...Working in the school system is a huge mission field...I'm on a path of self discovery - although most people probably find themselves before age 28...I am excited about what the future holds.

Wrapping Up Ruth

FIRST - accept my apology for bouncing all over the place...maybe by the end of this it will all come together...

A little over a year ago Ashley and I shared a very personal Bible study in the comfort of my home. Just the two of us, letting God lead it where he wanted it to be. What God wanted...was to bring us both to a new place in life. As I sit here and write this I am missing Ashley. Not even gone from NC for a week...I miss her terribly and I'm not even sure she knows it. Her last few months here were such a whirlwind and my dog got more face to face time with her than I did. But that's not what this post is going to be about...

A lot has changed in the past year...If you have been reading my blog at all you will know a little of what I'm talking about. The quiet Bible study that started with just one friend has grown and changed a lot over the past 14+ months. God has shown me that I not only can serve children, but I can open my home up to women of all ages to fellowship and grow in Him. I am not sure what all of that means...I feel in no way capable of leading women's Bible study...but over the past few months God is leading my heart that way. I continue to pray about it, and strive to do what he wants me to on a daily basis.

Now - lets get to Ruth. Every time we have chosen a study it seems to be perfectly applicable to whatever I am dealing with in my life. It's funny how God's perfect timing works isn't it? I know in the past couple of weeks I've shared a little about what we have learned. It's amazing to flash back to 'Sunday School Days' and the simple story we were taught about Ruth...Boy is her story ANYTHING but Simple! If you read the book of Ruth - and take only one thing with you (which is nearly impossible) - It should be that God can use ANYONE to accomplish His plans. He will open and close the doors that he lays out in front of us - and if needed - He will push us through them when our heels have a tendency to dig in (Ruth's heels did not dig in - but mine do sometimes). We have to be WILLING to be made WILLING...when we are willing - there is NO TELLING what God is going to use us for. What will your legacy be?

Well - I have been working on this post for an hour and feel like I am rambling...so I am going to stop there. The picture above is just one from the weekend. I already posted about my 28th Birthday - which was phenomenal. I praise you God - for where I have been, where I am, and where you will lead me to over the next year of my life.

365 Days

I have ALWAYS been a fan of birthdays. My birthday - your birthday - your kids birthday. You let me know, and I'll be there ready to eat cake and buy you a cute present. There is something about celebrating life, no matter how old you get, because I'll tell you like I tell my neighbor...It's better than the alternative. My cousin found this old picture and put it on facebook. He said I look like "Hey, it's my birthday, give me more presents." I think it kinda captures the joy I have had over a life time of celebrating all birthdays.

With that being said, my birthday last year was not one I care to remember. The people who love me, family and friends, did their best to help me celebrate...but never in my life have I wanted a day to be over as bad as I wanted May 27th, 2010 to end. I felt like I had nothing to celebrate. I haven't looked back in my blog to see if I even posted about that birthday...I don't want to remember it.

I had the pleasure of having an early dinner with a dear friend tonight. We talked and talked about God's blessings, some I have poured out to my readers (all five of you), and some that I'm just not ready to share yet, but will very soon. Almost a year ago, we sat at dinner with my mom and cried about my friends struggles, about my struggles...and basically just had a pity party. Sometimes us gals need those in order to life each other up and crawl out of our pit. As we were getting into the car she tapped on my window and she said, "Allison, it's pretty amazing the difference a year can make." Last year I didn't even know who I was anymore...I was questioning everything about my life...and have FINALLY come to realization that God allows us to go through our struggles to only make us stronger, to use these struggles to help others, and to prepare us for the future.

Tonight after sharing some pretty personal things in Bible study one of the ladies asked this question, "Don't you think that God sometimes uses our darkest moments to prepare us for the blessings he has in store?" When I think about the blessings I have in my life right now, I wasn't ready for them 365 days ago. Dr. Stanley has said in several of his sermons if things are going right in your life you better watch out, because its time for something to knock you off the mountain top. I realize my journey from 'the pit to the palace' won't always be on top of the mountain, but I do feel better prepared for whatever God has planned in my future - good and bad - Because lets face it - He never promised me a bed of roses.

Year 27 is ending much better than it began. I have nothing but hope for year 28. Come what may, I have a Lord who has poured his perfect love into my heart. I have a wonderful family, although we aren't perfect (hey, whose family is), and friends that are more precious to me than gold. Tonight - I am thankful for you all. Thank you for loving me in the pit, and loving me out of it.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

Yep - I'm going there - this is going to be a long one, so either sit down and fasten your seat belt or come back later when you have a few moments to sit and ponder it all...

For the past four weeks my small group Bible study has been breaking the book of Ruth apart, pretty much verse by verse. I remember Ruth from the Sunday school point of view, but as a 27 year old woman whose has grown so much closer to the Lord over the past eight months I am seeing it from a totally different point of view.

Over various events in the past week the Proverbs 31 Woman has been laid on my heart, taught in my Sunday School class, preached from the pulpit...and even come up in the most unexpected conversations. During one particular conversation I asked a friend, aren't we supposed to attempt to be her? Some women are so terrified of failure that they won't even attempt. I rather fail again and again trying to be her, than to automatically throw my hands up in the air and quit before I even started.

With that being said, lets look at this phenomenal woman:

10 [a]A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. "

Did you know - in the Hebrew Bible that the book of Ruth and the book of Proverbs were neighbors? Ruth is the Proverbs 31 woman.

With all of that being said...here is where I'm at...

I have always been a 'people watcher'...As I grow older and have the desire in my heart to some day be a wife and mother...I particularly watch married women and how their relationship with the Lord shapes their relationship with their husbands...and with their children...and their families...However, last weekend it hit me like a ton of bricks...These women aren't' just setting examples for their children, or working on the love triangle with their husbands and God - These women...They have an obligation to me. They have an obligation to any single, dating, and/or engaged woman to set an example of what the Proverbs 31 woman looks like. I am not saying that all the single gals out there need to put their married friends on pedestals...but I am saying that I am a young woman and I watch people, especially my women Christian friends...and I take in their words, actions, and relationships like a sponge.

In conclusion...this same topic came up again in my Bible study this week (today when I was working on it actually). I began to think...if it is having such a great effect on me, my heart, my walk with the Lord, and my potential future...maybe...just maybe...it could help someone else. So if you stuck with me thus far - great. I hope in some small way it touches you as much as it has me. May God bless you, and remember, we aren't perfect, but we can always improve in our walk with the Lord and the example we set for others.

Grandma's Garden

Isn't it funny, how one simple gesture can bring back a flood of childhood memories? A friend of mine sent me a beautiful picture of a buttercup today...Yep, the simple yellow ones you often find growing in random places...like the ditch....Little did I know, that hours later I would still be thinking about it...and I knew if I didn't write what was on my heart I may never go to sleep tonight.

My Grandma Rose has the greenest thumbs of anyone that I know...in fact I would argue with you that all ten of her fingers are green. I have so many fond childhood memories with her, and most of them were time we spent in her yard. She would spend hours every spring planting flowers that she knew would only live a season, and she could make them last longer than anyone I know. From one end of the shrubs in the back yard to the other she would dig tiny holes as my brother and I would follow behind dropping the small plants in, watering them, covering them back up with soil, watching them grow throughout the season. As my brother got older and spent more time on the farm, I continued my time with Grandma, especially over Spring break and the summer.

Although she only lives about a mile from my parent's house, I would beg to go spend the night with her on the weekends. I recall one spring break I spent nearly the entire week out of school with her. Our favorite snack was a bowl of Cheetos and these peanut butter cookies that I can still see and smell...but know for a fact you can't buy them anywhere. We would walk up and down the chicken house path, talking about everything under the sun. And it seems like every new years eve as a Child, I can remember sitting on the love seat in her living room watching the ball drop while eating ice cream. She used to eat vanilla ice cream with for supper with her cup of coffee.

She loves Jesus, and reading her Bible. When we weren't outside digging in the dirt, we were either inside practicing my spelling words or playing Bible Tic Tack Toe...I have no idea where she got that game from but I do know I rather play that any day than anything else she had in that toy cabinet.

I could sit here tonight, and write a novel about all of the memories with my Grandma Rose that I hold so near and dear to my heart...but today I've just spent a lot of time thinking about her, her love of her garden...her love of her family.

Grandma Rose isn't the same woman she was when I was a child. She isn't the same woman she was ten years ago...or even five. Each passing day seems to be robbing her of what little memory she has left, and the ones she does have seem to be clouded and mixed up. She still lives at home and has 24 hour care. We gradually see her slipping away. It has broken the hearts of her children, her grandchildren, and the others who love her dearly. I know, it happens sometimes when people get older. I know that she has had a wonderful life and is physically healthy even though her mind is not. Some people wonder why we find it so important to still celebrate holidays with her when she won't remember tomorrow that today was Christmas (or what have you)...But this is why...She may not have these memories...but we will.

My heart is a little bit sad tonight...but also full of joy for the time God has allowed me with her and will continue to allow in His Will. I credit her for the Christian I am today and for never being too busy to spend time with me, or too impatient to let me help her in her garden.

God's Crock Pot

Sometimes...I just get stuck...

Yesterday I spent a great amount of time on my front porch enjoying the beautiful day that God created for us. Gilbert and I enjoyed the sunshine so much - sometimes we get tired of each other in this house!

After an amazing time of worship yesterday morning I craved more time with my Savior. I did a good bit of reading and Bible study outside yesterday. I have NEVER been a faithful journal writer, even after some great friends gave me the advice to start last year, I didn't stick with it. Lately, I've been working more towards a prayer journal. God wants to talk to us in any form or fashion, but I find it therapudic to write my prayers to him. Yesterday before I wrote my prayer I went back to day one of this journal, started a litle over a year ago. Reading through it I realized how far God has brought me since last March. I won't get into personal details of my journal....because that's what a journal is, personal details meant for that person only.

Last night I returned to church for a fantastic series about Joseph entitled "From the Pit to the Palace". Everything that was said last night was God speaking straight to my heart. God's providents in my life is always methodical and often mysterious. He uses the people we meet, the messages we recieve, and the ministries he blesses us with to reveal his plan for our life. Sometimes...when I'm stuck...I cry out to the Lord, asking for him to just show me the answer, open the door, open my heart...but I constantly remind myself that it's God's time, not my own. In the words of the pastor - "God doesn't work with a microwave, he works with a crock pot."

So...now I'm sitting in the crockpot, waiting see what kind of masterpiece God is fixin' in the kitchen. :)

When Tragedy Strikes...

So...My Bible study group and I have been into our study on David for about four weeks now. It is truly changing my life. First off, I am so thankful for the opportunity to sit in the living room with Christian women studying God's word and learning from each other without the fear of someone bursting down our door and harming us. We take so much for granted!

Second, I am blessed beyond measure by these women each week. I honestly believe that God has placed each of them in my life for a reason. One year ago Ashley and I began a study together that brought us closer together as friends and closer to God, through that, the door opened for our group to grow and for God to work. There came a time in my life when I felt like I was completely drying up spiritually and God showed me that we cannot depend on others to do the feeding. Tonight, on our Bible study video, Beth Moore said, "What are you going to do, when it's only you?" I was to a point, it was only me. I had the option of caving into it, crawling under a rock, and waiting...or to take the situation into my own hands, start working on my relationship with Christ and asking for his will again.

Third, and most importantly, I can feel God drawing me closer to Him on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days when I have to fight the Devil away (he sure does turn it up a notch when he realizes your fire has grown). Each Bible study that Ashley and I have done together (I say that because we are now on number four, with five additional friends), we talk about how perfect the timing is...Once again, that holds true with David.

So, with all of that being said, here is where I am at...

- I must continue to seek God and stop trying to please people - you can't do both.

- Sometimes God requires you to come to him with a group of people, and sometimes he wants only you.

- Sometimes God is silent but still working.

- When we are convicted about something, and get it out of our lives, this clears the way for God to make his next move.

- Sometimes...God has to completely break your heart, in order to heal it and make his will known.

- You can find a great church, you can listen to the right radio station, you can pick all the right friends...but unless you have a personal relationship and time with God on a regular basis, you'll never experience fully what he has in store for you. You must seek him at home, at work, at play...All throughout your day!

I'm so excited about what he has in store for my future. I know that he has a lot of work left to do with me, but I am finally feeling ready for it. This Bible study is pulling up feelings and experiences that I've kept deep inside, some of them tragic...But as they come to the surface it's almost like peeling off layers finding who I truly am. God never promised us a bed of roses, but he did promise to stand beside us during the storms.

Whiter than Snow

Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."

I think the idea and the commitment that come with new years resolutions are physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. The pressure we put on ourselves to choose one or two, then to actually carry them out...exercise every day, eat right, read more, clean more, right our wrongs...Not that these in any way are a bad thing, but sometimes we can become so wrapped up in them that in a way, we loose our self and what our focus should really be on.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I put my entire heart into whatever I do, from the menial task of cleaning the house, to my job in the media center that I attempt to put 110% into on a daily basis. If an idea comes across my mind and I think it's great but know I wouldn't be able to give it 100%, I have to put it out of my mind, and over time have actually learned to say the word no, even though I still struggle with that. When I fail at anything I repeatedly beat myself up over it. Over the course of my time off work I've been praying a lot and doing a bit of soul searching, and asking the question, what is it, we as humans, should have as our main priority. Well obviously, our priority is to glorify God and walk closer with him each day...Unfortunately at times, that is easier said than done.

This year instead of making a resolution, I want to make a commitment (I know - in some context they are the same) to myself, and to God. In 2011 I want to fall hopelessly in love with Jesus who loved me enough to die for me. I want him to be my focus everywhere, and in every relationship that I have. In my heart, I truly believe that if this is what I strive for, everything else will fall into place. Relationships that seem to be tatterred will mend, frustrations that seem to knock me off my path will fade away, and the disappointment I have in myself will turn into Hope through the love of Jesus. There will still be days when I am tempted by Satan to gossip, or to be lazy when things need to be done, but little by little I will get there.

Today, I am thankful for a fresh start. Today, I am thankful that years ago, God washed me, and made me as white as snow, and gives me the opportunity to do that again on a daily basis by simply asking.