Graduation Day

Well - it's finally over. Sometimes the past two years of my life seem to be a blur, others they seem filled with events and emotions that made me grow old...fast...Some dealing with grad school, others not so much. I made a concious effort to enjoy every single moment of this day, and the people that spent it with me. I always find the closing of a chapter in life a little bittersweet. Something I've been working so hard toward and putting my effort into, no longer needs my effort, not in the same way anyway. Wonder what the next chapter will hold...

Doctor Delima

So here's the honest truth - I do EVERYTHING I can to avoid the doctor's office. I don't know if it comes from my fear of needles, or the fact that every time I go I lose between 2-4 hours of my life waiting because my family doctor doesn't take appointments. He's the sweetest old man, but perhaps the most old fashioned one I know. You go in, sign your name on the list and wait...or get his receptionist to call you back with a good time to come when you might not have to wait as long, but will probably still have to wait an hour.

With that being said, for the past three days I've put off a trip to the doctor. My ear hurts so bad now I'm considering a trip to the ER...then I think...well I can sit there three hours too...or sit here and wait for the doctor to open...So I'm sitting...waiting...Knowing that an ear ache doesn't go away on it's own and should have been taken care of three days ago...why am I so stubborn?

Comfort

Over the summer one of my dearest friend's grandfather passed away. He hadn't been doing well for quite a while, and although his passing was expected, it did not make it an easy one. The fact that he was in his bedroom while the family was in the kitchen or working on his farm brought comfort. When he passed, family, friends, and various others brought physical comfort of a hug, a listening ear, or a hot meal...Let's face it, in the south, sometimes all we know to do is to offer food when death touches the people we love.

Throughout the time of this loss I went with my mom to the home to take a meal and spent a lot of time walking through the house looking at pictures. Pictures are the one way that memories can be captured forever and I believe you can never have too many of them. On the den wall hung three portraits. One of the man's daughter and her family, one of his oldest son and his family, and one of his youngest son who doesn't have his own family yet. Looking at these three pictures broke my heart for the youngest son. Immediately I thought...oh no, he has to face this all alone, who will comfort him? Sure, he is a great comfort for his mom, but what happens when he goes home at night...Who will sit with him at the service? Who will dry his tears?

In sharing this story, I fast forward five months to the events of today. It was a privilege to hear my friend Jeremy speak this morning on the past fifteen months of his and his families loss, grief, comfort, and hope. Jeremy shared so many profound realisations, Bible verses, and testimony today that it would take a while to share it all, but I would like to share what I walked away with. If we are solely putting our hope, faith, and need for comfort in the hands of humans, we will be disappointed. Jeremy spoke of what a comfort it was to have an elder in their church spend time with them who had been through the loss of a child. Someone who has walked in your shoes, someone who can be with you, yet not have to say a word and know exactly what you are thinking. I firmly believe that God allows certain situations in our lives so that we may help others if/when they have to face similar circumstances. He wants us to have people on earth in which we can rely and find comfort, but HE should be our ultimate comforter.

Jeremy also spoke about how Christians are not promised a perfect and wonderful life. No one ever taught us by saying Yes to God that he was going to hand you a perfect little life. If this was a perfect little life then what would we look forward to in Heaven? We are going to hurt, we are going to grieve, we are going to ask why, and we are going to have bad days...but think about what is promised once those days are behind us.

Today was one of those days when you hear something you have heard before, but it came with new meaning. Today I knew if the son in my story has his eyes focused on the comforter than he was in much better shape than any human could possibly offer. I am not saying that we do not need the human comfort offered by friends and family, I just think I personally need to rethink who and what I put my hope and my comfort into.

Today I am thankful for Lindsay and Jeremy. By taking a tragic circumstance, and using it to Glorify God, they are changing the world. I am thankful for Ayden and Collen, their precious boys, and I am thankful that God uses them to open my eyes to His truth on a regular basis.

Psalm 13
1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Lydia Jane

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Last week, I was itching for a road trip and my heart was leading me towards a weekend with my aunt. What better way to start, and to finish, my weekend than a little pit stop in South Port to meet Lydia Jane.

This whole growing-up thing is so surreal. One day Amy and I are kids, playing in the back yard, chasing the basset hounds, and getting stung by wasp, and the next we are grown, cleaning our houses and working full time jobs. Amy has been a lot like a sister to me, especially as we have gotten older. She is a wonderful Christian woman and such a wonderful example for many young people that she works with at her church, and that she teaches are her school.

She called me about three years ago to share some very exciting news. After a while of being single, and a lot of heartfelt prayer, God had put someone very special into her life and she was 'pretty sure' he was the one. A year later, we were attending her wedding...A year later a baby shower...

I will tell you, being a single girl with her own desires and ideas in your heart some parts of growing up are hard. Going to weddings and baby showers are sometimes a task to hard to face, especially alone...But with Amy things were different. We had been in the same 'boat' for a while, and on the night she called to tell me she was engaged she said to me, "Allison, don't give up. I am here to tell you that God still has some good ones left out there." People tell me that all the time, but from Amy, I actually believed it. Her wedding was certainly one to remember, a day that was not centered on her, but centered on her and Gary's unity in Christ. The Lord was certainly in that place.

Now Amy is a mom, and Lydia is perfect in every way. It was great being a part of the experience when she 'announced' Jane as the middle name at her baby shower - a surprise her mom never saw coming. I look forward to playing a part in Lydia's life, and being her honorary aunt. Today, I am simply thankful for 'baby love'.

5 Years Ago Today...

I've been dreading this day for weeks. Why is it that sometimes things get a little easier to handle with time, but others get harder? Maybe it's the time that separates us from that terrible night, maybe it's the space that separates us from family that used to be a stone's throw away. Perhaps it's that tiny bit of regret from actually saying the word no...maybe it's not knowing a good thing until it's gone.

Five years and approximately two weeks ago today I babysat my cousin Jim's kids. I remember the excitement Jim had when he showed me what was left of his 40th birthday cake. This was no ordinary cake you see, it had his photo scanned into the edible icing. He was so attached to the picture - he 'spooned' the cake away from around the edges, and offered me a spoon so I could join him...but cautioned me to only eat around the edges and not to ruin his picture.

What seemed like only a few days later, as my family and I were settling down for the night, a terrible knock came wrapping on the door. One of those knocks that makes you jump out of bed and want to grab your shotgun because you don't know who is on the other side of the door or what they want. To our heartbreak, our neighbors were on the other side letting us know there had been a wreck, not a mile down the road, and that Jim was thought to be dead.

Jim? Who? What? Where?...WHY? Everything was such a blur, can we go back to bed? Pretend it's a dream? Do we go to his house and tell his wife, she shouldn't be alone with the kids? Who will go to Myrtle Beach to get Aunt Emily and bring her home? Someone call Todd...such a blur...so many unanswered questions...

I won't go through the details of that sleepless night or the weekend that followed, but I think saying goodbye to Jim was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Jim was by no means a perfect man. He made mistakes. He made wrong choices. He said wrong things. Tell me, have you never done any of those? I sure have...But Jim was the person who would share what little extra cash he had with a person who had less than he just to get them through a hard time, or make their Christmas a little brighter. He was the type of person who noticed the small things. Jim was the one who would speak first. He was the type of person that loved his Grandma Rose. He was the person that was taken for granted by some before his death. He was the type of person who appreciated a good birthday cake.

Things have changed so much since Jim passed away. Some people were changed forever, their lifestyles, choices and habits. Some people got deeper into their habits, looking temporary comfort in inappropriate places. Some of us wanted to help with flowers, some of us wanted to help clean the house, some of us felt an urge to comfort his wife and his boys. Some people wanted to just get away. Life is just different...so different. It's hard to believe that five years have already passed since that life changing night. Death is inevitable, but the sudden unexpected death of someone you love, someone young...is just hard. I don't know any other way to put it.

Thanks for letting me ramble. Today I'm thankful for the people who understand exactly what I mean. I truly believe God allows our trials in order to help others through similar situations. Hopefully one day I can use what I've learned to help someone. Until then, I will go on loving, especially imperfections, because that is how God loves me.

The Fingerprints of God

"I can see the fingerprints of God

When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God

And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece that all creation

Quietly applauds

And you're covered with

The fingerprints of God."

~Fingerprints of God - Steven Curtis Chapman

On the way home from work Friday this song came on the radio. Although the song is written more as an encouragement to those who do not see themselves like God does, or the people around them do, it immediately made me think of Collen. He had been on my mind all day because I had planned a visit with him and his mom for later that afternoon. I could not wait to get my hands on that sweet little boy!

I have always considered babies God's greatest creation, and could see the fingerprints of God all over Collen. It still amazes me at how God works, the intricate details that go into making a child. When Collen was not very happy with me at one point, I looked into his tiny mouth and said, "Isn't it amazing that his teeth are in there? That got Lindsay and I both giggling, but it is amazing if you really stop to think about it.

I look forward to many more visits with Mr. Collen in the near future - and a lot more BaBy LoVe!

Heaven is the Face of a Little Boy

Jesus said, Let the little children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 NIV

One year ago today the world stopped turning...Maybe it was for a brief moment, but it felt like an eternity to those who know and love Ayden Brooks Jones. The soon to be four month old, was called to Heaven on August 25, 2009. Today we stop to remember the joy he brought to all who were lucky enough to have a part in his life, no matter how small...And we celebrate the part he still plays in our lives, and those who have heard his story.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song, written in remembrance of his daughter, called Heaven is the Face of a Little Girl. This song has been on my mind and in my heart lately, pretty much any time that Ayden's face flashes across my memory. When I think of Ayden, I think of all the children lost before or after their birth that are surrounding Jesus' feet.

It would be a lie to say that all memories are happy ones. I've posted before about that terrible day last year, the phone call from Kristina and the endless hours afterwards on the phone and on Internet trying to find answers. I still get angry at that the gut wrenching hurt that hits me out of no where at times...How dare I be so sad, so upset, so distraught...how dare I question God's plan. If I am feeling this way what to Lindsay and Jeremy feel? His grandparents? His Aunts and Uncles? I selfishly ache for the things his family missed...the first birthday of cake in the face, first steps, first words...

A lot has happened in the past year. Lindsay and Jeremy sold their house and are currently bunking with her parents until getting a new home set up. Collen Brooks Jones (baby boy #2) was born on Sunday, August 22nd. We welcome him with open arms and loving hearts. We pray for happiness and joy to be restored, but also for Ayden never to be forgotten.

Today, I remember a life that changed mine forever.

Don't Define Your Life by Your Biggest Heartache

I've been putting this blog off for over a week, but I'm afraid if I do not type it tonight then it might not get done at all. On July 25th I had the pleasure of visiting Calvary Baptist Church and listening to one of the most wonderful sermons I have ever heard. Pastor Dees shared about Sarah and Abram. The sermon was titled, LIFE WITH GOD, "A Recipe for Disaster". Scripture was taken from Genesis 16:1 - 6.

If you want your relationship/life with God to be a disaster do the following:
Harbor Resentment
Blame God for Your Disappointments
Adopt Worldly Behavior
Be Spiritually Passive
Determine your own Timetable

As I was filling out the sermon outline I jotted down a few things that really spoke to me and wanted to share them with my handful of readers. First, you must understand the events in Abram's and Sarah's life. When Abram had been promised to be a father of great nations, and Sarah, not able to have children, determined her own timetable and thought that the only way God's promise could be fulfilled is for her husband to father children with her servant. With that being said, these were some of the things that stood out to me.

First - Your life can be defined by your biggest heartache...Sarah became known by her circumstances, can you imagine that she perhaps walked into a crowded room and the pity people felt b/c she could not have children, or perhaps she introduced herself and said, Hi I'm Sarah and I can't have kids....Her trouble had become her identity.

Second - Sometimes people make their trouble their shield - A place to hide...Oh how many times have I hidden behind my own fears, disappointments, and heartaches? Let's face it, some days I still do this, but I think that's natural to a point.

Third - When you are living in Genesis 16 it is hard to wait for and see the hope in Genesis 21. Completely confused? In Genesis 16, Sarah takes God's plan into her own hands, in Genesis 21 she becomes pregnant. Guilty again - It's so easy to get wrapped up into the events and the circumstances of the present and to see no light at the end of the tunnel or hope for the future.

Fourth - The resentment you harbor is the sin that Jesus died for.

Towards the conclusion we were given several ways for your life with God to be a success and the one thing that spoke most to me was this; HAS THE THING I AM EXPECTING, OR BEING DISAPPOINTED ABOUT, BEEN PROMISED TO ME BY GOD? Maybe that isn't as revolutionary to you as it was to me, but man. How many times have I thought something that I wanted was about to happen, maybe this relationship was going to work out, or this job, or anything else that I dreamed up in my head and actually thought that God was having a hand in it but had no justification that he was? Too many - too many that were not promised to me by God. How can we question and be disappointed with God for things he never promised us. As I was reading back over my notes today I started thinking about something else, when bad things happen to good people. We always say, they didn't deserve that. Did God ever PROMISE Christians that we would be spared by heartache and pain? No...so we should not be bitter, angry, or disappointed with Him about it.

With all that being said...I have a long way to go. I still have circumstances that I wish were different, but God has them that way for a reason. I still see good people go through bad things and get angry about it. Today I was looking at a picture of a friend who passed away a few years ago and out loud I said, "I miss you, it's just not fair." God never promised me fair. He never promised me a lifetime with the people I love. He never promised me marriage or kids. He promised me a life of eternity in Heaven and all I had to do was accept him into my life. I am so undeserving of what He has given me.

Frustrated

Sometimes...I don't know where to begin, or even if I should. First, I was very worried about having no 'structure' in my summer and more free time than I know what to do with. Tomorrow starts week two of 'free time' and I can name one thing I've done for ALLISON in the past two weeks. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect to spend these two months pampering myself and doing exactly what I want and when I want to, but I do expect some time to recuperate from what seemed to be the most trying year, professionally, emotionally, and personally, that I've ever had.

This weekend I spent some time at a the beach for a friend's wedding, it was a whirlwind of events really. I stopped in Fayetteville to pick up Blaire (what a good friend to tag along since mom could not make it) and then headed to Ocean Isle for the wedding...This morning we got up and decided to ride to Myrtle Beach because it was only 30 minutes down the road. When we got here we visited the Aquarium and found our favorite spot to eat as well as our favorite MB meal - A cheeseburger in paradise.

At some point over this 24 hour road trip we stopped in one of those little photo booths - you know the ones that charge you $5 to make four silly pictures...but at least they give you two copies...Anyway...As I look at this pictures I see what I've been feeling for the past ten months. This reflection of a girl that I don't know anymore. The reflection of someone who was going just fine down the path of self discovery approximately three years ago, who was learning to focus on her needs, her health, and what she wanted in life, as well as what she had to offer life and the people in it. Three years ago I could feel layers peeling off of an insecure 20something year old and a pretty awesome person coming through. It was kind of like when you peal the crunchy skin of an onion off to reach the smooth slick center...minus the smelly part.

Over the past ten months I've dealt with pain that I selfishly feel that no one my age should have to deal with - but God never told me life was going to be easy. I've had to see friends deal with things that make us all wish we were eight years old again playing with sidewalk chalk and baby dolls. Have I had good days? Absolutely! Have I learned from the experience? More than you can imagine...Some of the lessons have been shared, other's haven't...But I've also been hurt, by circumstances, by other people, but mainly by my own self. I expect way too much from myself. I set goals way to high. My plans, rarely work out, if ever. And, I avoid my reflection at all cost, because it reminds me of where I was, and where I am now.

Today, I am not sure exactly where I am headed. A few years ago someone who used to be a dear friend sat down and explained the following verse to me:
"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
At first I thought this meant that whatever my heart desired God would give it to me...I learned, however, that this means if my desires are not HIS desires, as I grow closer to HIM, He will put the desires in my heart that He needs to be there to fulfill his plan. Therefore...if He desires for me to be a wife and mother then he will put the desire for that there. If he desires for me to be a single missionary in China...the desire will be there. Sometimes it's just hard - you know? To wait...to be patient...The desire of my heart right now is to look in the mirror and love the reflection that I see...no matter what my hair looks like that day, or the clothes that I'm wearing, or maybe that my face is a little fuller than it was a few months ago...I just want to be able to dig down deep and love the person that God created...because as I was told yesterday, He makes no mistakes.

Today I am thankful for the people who will read this and not feel sorry for me, but begin to pray with me for transformation. It is NOT going to be an easy road, but it's past time for it to happen on a permanent basis this time. I am also thankful for six girls who began a small group Bible study with me last week - I look forward to a summer of growing with you.

The Road to Recovery

The road to recovery has never been an easy one. If it was easy, we would not appreciate and learn from the hardships in life. I am a firm believer that God allows trials in our life in order to shape us into the people that he wants us to become. He is the potter, I am the clay. Sometimes this means adding moisture, sometimes taking away. Sometimes it means speeding up the wheel, and sometimes it means slowing it down...And yes, it even sometimes means starting all over again. The past nine months have not been easy. People have gone out of my life that I thought would always be a part of it, and over time I've learned to accept and deal with it. I've had to face some of those 'grown-up' issues that make you wish you were just a naive five year old again. I am constantly reminded, or reminding myself, that God does not give us more than we can handle, but as humans we sometimes put more on ourselves than we can handle.

Today is father's day. My heart is broken for those who have lost their fathers recently, or at a young age, being cheated out of so many life long memories. For you - I pray that you can hold onto the memories and times when you were most happy with your dad.

In the same way, my heart aches for the fathers who have lost their children. A parent should never have to say goodbye to their child. For these dads, hold onto the memories that make your heart smile.

My heart aches for those who still have fathers on this earth, but their relationships are tattered. Perhaps because they don't feel that they can be perfectly honest with each other, or too many things have gone unsaid that should be.

My heart aches for those who never knew their real fathers or had a father figure in their life to help shape them into who they are today.

My dad is not perfect. He is not always right. He is not always in a good mood. He does however live by the golden rule - and treats everyone how he would want to be treated, and most of the time better. Sometimes it frustrates me, in a selfish way...to see how he goes out of his way for others, putting himself last. Willing to give you the shirt off his back. He would go above and beyond for anyone he knows, family, friends, and even strangers. He is a peace maker and finds the good in everyone, even if it is only a tiny speck. He forgives seven times seventy. He is a hard worker, sometimes we all agree that he works too hard. When I was little, I was definitely a "Daddy's Girl". He is still the one that I go to for help when my car or house gives me trouble, when I need to hang a picture on the wall, or when I need weed and feed put on the lawn... and yes, at twenty-seven years old, when I need a shoulder to cry on he is there. (Although I admit my mother has to deal with that last one way more often - I don't like to cry in front of my dad.)

Today I am thankful for a Christian father who taught me the value of hard work, family, and of my heavenly Father. I am thankful for a man who always tries to do what is right. I am thankful for someone who is willing to keep others happy, even if it means disappointment or hurt for himself. If God lined up 100 men and told me to pick my dad, I could not have hand picked a better one.

Reality Check

Let's face it...You never know when those 'light bulb' moments are going to hit. You don't know the how and you don't always know the why right after the fact, but it might sink in eventually. But - we all have them - and we all NEED them. God knows when we need them and sometimes they are in a kind act of a friend of stranger, sometimes its when something bad happens, and sometimes it's just a change in heart that might happen when we hear a song on the radio.

Have you ever been so wrapped up in what's going on with you - your opinions, your feelings, your downfalls, successes, and issues that you completely check out of reality? You aren't really effected by things that go on around you unless they directly connect to you and you are going through the motions of work, school, family, whatever?

I've been taking someone for granted. Our friendship has been a slow one to develop over the past two years, in fact I had a very hard time crossing the bridge of being co-workers to being friends. It is no secret that this year has been a struggle for me, to say the least. This person has been a rock for me when I needed to cry, needed to vent, or just needed to sit down and talk. You know those conversations where you can lay EVERYTHING out on the table and they don't judge and they don't even give advice unless you solicit it. The one that can see you are having a terrible day but doesn't pry or push, but looks at you and says, "I'm here when you are ready". That's her.

On Friday tragedy struck this friend. She was having a normal day at work when she got a phone call from her frantic seven year old. All she knew was that her dad had been hurt so she rushed home to find out what was going on. Unfortunately an accident on the family farm had taken her dad - in the blink of an eye. What? How could that be? He was at school a few days before watching her son's class preform a mock-trial...And hadn't I had a conversation with him the day of the grandparent lunch? Yes, there was no way this young Papa had left the face of the earth that fast. I started flashing back to being a six year old and my cousin breaking the news to me of my grandfather's death. As a six year old you take a lot for granted, and honestly, the only thing I understood was that everyone was sad and I needed to pass out tissues. My heart breaks for her two kids who won't get to go fishing with Papa any more, or ride the tractor on the farm. It breaks my heart that Christie won't be able to pick the phone up and call her dad when she needs advice, because lets face it, little girls never get to old for Daddy's advice. Most of all - she, nor her family, deserve this. She has taken this with more grace and understanding then I think I ever would.

Today I am thankful for Christie. For her kindness, friendship, and contagious laughter. Praying for peace and understanding as her family continues to heal from their loss.

A Mary Heart

Then six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus was who had been dead, whom he had raised from the dead. There they made Him supper, and Martha served, but Lazarus was one of those who sat at the table with Him. Then Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil. But one of His disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, who would betray Him, said, "Why was this fragrant oil not sold for three hundred denaril and given to the poor?" This he said, not that he cared for the poor, but because he was a thief and had the money box; and he used to take what was put in it. But Jesus said, "Let her alone; she has kept this for the day of My burial. For the poor you have with you always, but Me you do not have always." John 12:1-8 NKJV

Ashley and I are on week ten of our Bible study - Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I am SUCH a Martha and pretty open about it...but this study has opened my eyes to what a humble woman Mary was and her deep gratitude and love for Jesus. I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks ready for this study to end, move onto a new one. I'm even guilty of the comment, "I mean really, how thin can you stretch the story about Mary and Martha." This study isn't just about Mary and Martha - it is about what they learned from each other, and mainly from Jesus, and how their changes and acts of gratitude showed Jesus their love that only He at times understood. I find Mary's act of breaking the jar of expensive oil and washing Jesus feet with her hair absolutely beautiful.

Not until tonight did I realize how much this jar of oil really was worth, not just monetarily, but also in the grand scheme of Mary's future. It is believed by one author that Mary, Martha, and Lazarus's' parents died several years before the friendship was made between the siblings and Jesus. At this time in history it was common for young women to be part of arranged marriages, although they were given some say in the matter. With no parents to arrange a marriage and living with her brother in her sister's home it would be understood that a marriage had been arranged for none of this children before the parents passing. This entire bottle of oil represented everything that Mary had, everything that she was, and everything she hoped to be...and she anointed her saviors feet with it and washed them with her hair! She gave EVERYTHING she had to Him - EVERYTHING. She was looked down upon by the money grubbing Judas for waisting such an expensive bottle of oil - but this simply beautiful act of kindness was one that is still taught about today (as Jesus said it would be).

How often do we hold onto material things? THINGS that make us happy, PEOPLE that make us happy, personal hopes and dreams that we THINK will make us happy? When in all reality - don't we just need HIM...that should be all we need. For weeks I've felt the question tugging at my heart - Allison, how much are you willing to sacrifice. Honestly, I still don't know the answer to that, but after this weeks study I feel a small step closer to finding it.

Let Summer Begin...

I am so ready for summer. Ready for end of the year testing to be done...ready to hit the 'complete inventory' button on my Destiny report...ready to walk out the doors of a place I love and just take a break...or at least be able to devote myself to the remaining 9 weeks of summer school.

Memorial Day weekend is always a bitter sweet one of sorts. First of all, I want to say thank you to all of those who have in the past and who continue to fight for our freedom in this country. I've always had an appreciation for these men and women, but not until my cousin spent some time over seas did it really hit me how real it is.

My family usually spends time at the lake on Memorial day weekend because it is usually a 3 day weekend for me and it always falls around my birthday. It is the opening weekend of 'lake season' (or pool or beach - whichever tickles your fancy) and I look forward to it every year (despite the crazy business of lake traffic and some folks who have no business driving watercraft).

This past weekend was Gilbert's first trip to Lake Gaston. I was eager to see how he would react to all the changes, a new place, the water, the boat. Luckily he loved it ALL. He made himself right at home and wasn't scared of anything. Much to my disapproval he wanted to jump in the lake...finally I caved and he jumped in not once, but twice. Good news - He can swim, and quite well I might add. :)

After friends and family left last night, Mom, Miss Robin, and I had a girls night of movies, giggles, and eventually sleep. We all know that I am a person who finds it very hard to relax and forget the world around me. Lake Gaston has been THE place for that over the past few years/summers. That is why this weekend was so bitter sweet - summer is so close I can feel the sunburn on my shoulders - yet it feels so far away. Looking forward to focusing on myself and summer school after two and a half more weeks of work.

3 Years Ago Today

I have been struggling all day with what to post here tonight, but I knew I couldn't let this day pass without acknowledging one of the most amazing people I was ever blessed to know. Three years ago today Richard lost his battle with cancer. Richard was just another one of my brother's college friends, and you know how that goes when you are the 'little sister'...But Richard was different, he went out of his way to be everyones friend, not just your acquaintance. I have so many special memories of him, like the time he forced me to try home-made strawberry ice cream (this was my pre-eating strawberry phase) and when he stopped by the store with the dogs in the crate one very hot summer day. One of my favorite was the night he and some of the other guys flew back in from Italy and stopped at the house to visit on the way home. I came out of my 'cave' where I spent countless hours doing homework to see these country boys who were now considered 'cultured'. "How dare you go to Italy without me and leave me here to teach these little youngans' "...That was my first remark to them. Richard jumped off the couch and gave me the biggest hug, I can almost still feel it. Some of the memories are so silly when I sit back and think about it and some of them are priceless...but none of them do I take for granted. I can tell you the last time I saw him before he found out he was sick, and the last time I saw him before he passed away and the exact place I was sitting in my living room when I got the phone call from my brother. It was so nerve racking going into his hospital room and not knowing what he would look like or what to talk about. It seemed like things went so fast once he got the news about his cancer. Who knew what would result from a few really bad headaches.

Richard makes me think about my previous post, and how there is truly a season for everything under Heaven. It is a shame, for those of us left behind, that Richard's season was shorter than we would have liked for it to have been, but what a blessing it must be to be sitting at the feet of God today! Words cannot express to you what kind of person Richard was and the effect he still has today on those who were blessed enough to know him.

For Everything There is a Season

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven.

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to harvest:

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time for Peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A chapter in my life is coming to a close. Some days I embrace it with open arms, eager to turn the page and see what is waiting. Other days I grip as tightly as I can to that final page, the last sentences, the faint memories of a chapter that has lasted over a third of my lifetime. This is a chapter that few people know about and I'd like to keep it that way, but these few people know the toll is has taken on me, especially over the past few months. To you - thank you for drying my tears, embracing my anger, and for just being silent when there were no words to say.

I've spent the majority of my life being a friend to anyone who would accept and love me, to anyone who needed a friend really. I am a friend who accepted without judgement, gave without question, and loved unconditionally. This 'gift', as some of you call it, has brought joy, laughter, love, and positive change. It has also caused a lot of heartache when it comes to those who saw me as temporary. There have been several people come and go throughout the seasons of my life. Some stay in touch...other's don't. I've never been good at letting go, or saying goodbye to people. I've spent hours crying or frustrated over the friends I've lost touch with over the years...and surprisingly enough found some people back in my life that I did not really think would be.

One of my life long friends got married last fall. As I participated in many 'pre-wedding' activities and got to know the other girls in the wedding I learned quickly that we were all so different, but here we were with the common friend - the bride - and playing an important part of her life in one chapter or another. I don't think you can get any more diverse than she and I, but somehow I've been blessed enough to be a small part of her entire book.

This past year "Little Ashley" and I have been reunited - thanks to grad school and my need for constant help. As I was talking to one of my mom's friends last week she said to me, "You go enjoy your weekend, and you go off and get those two married. That Ashley is a good friend Allison, she is an encourager." I got to thinking...she sure is, and God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. It was an honor to be included in her wedding and I enjoyed spending the weekend with Jennifer and Tracy in Morehead.

This weekend gave me a lot of time to think. The passage from the Bible that I began this post with kept coming to mind. The combination of a wedding (starting a new chapter in their lives), and being with two best friends (one who has been for a life time, and another for most of it), and seeing the beauty of the ocean really got my mind going. These are the things that were laid on my heart this weekend:

- Just because friends come and go, doesn't mean that the end has to be a bad thing.

- There is a time to let go. When friends begin to cause more heartache personally than they do joy - it's time.

- When a chapter is ending, there is always one to follow. One with new friendships, new lessons to learn, and new things/people to embrace.

- It's okay to take the focus off of others and put it on yourself, but don't become so consumed that you miss the bigger picture.

- All you really need are a few people, be it family or friends, that love you for exactly who you are, not for who you could be, not for who you were.

Today I am thankful for the few true lifetime friends that I have. I am thankful for the friends that had to let go, you've taught me more than you will ever know. I am thankful for a small spark of optimism that hasn't been present in my life in an extremely long time.

Teacher Appriciation Week

Well, for those of you who don't know, this week is Teacher Appreciation Week. Kudos to the PTO for already spoiling us rotten with a treat first thing this morning. It's nice to be appreciated, even if it's the simple gesture of a pat on the back, or looking us right in the eye and telling us 'thank you'.

Have you ever thought about how much you take for granted that your teachers taught you? For example, have you ever tried to teach a group of children how to tell time using an analog clock? If that was a success, have you tried to teach them elapsed time? During my student teaching these very math lessons were the ones that made me realize how many of my past teachers I took for granted. I was frustrated, why didn't these kids understand, this is so easy...but guess what Miss Rose...Someone taught you along the way didn't they? I've always tried to keep that in the front of my mind for the past five years.

Now for a special thank you to some teachers I work with. We have an awesome EC team where I work. A very special little one benefits from one of those teams this year and I don't think they understand what they mean to me. I used to want to be an EC teacher, and went as far in undergrad to obtain a degree in Specific Learning Disabilities...just in case. I had a grand plan of using this degree after teaching in the regular classroom for three years...Isn't it funny how WE write all these big plans for our selves, but God knows what is best so he sometimes has to redirect us? Anyway, I TRULY believe that God hand picks absolutely amazing individuals to educate and love his most unique children.

Today I am thankful for those special women at the end of the third grade hall.

I am thankful for Jennifer W. who inspired me to be a cheerleader for the underdog.

I am thankful for Mrs. Adams, my 2nd grade teacher who knew I couldn't spell and would never be able to (she told my mom to buy me a dictionary to keep close by at all times), but loved me for it anyway.

I am thankful for everyone in my path of education who taught me what I know, as a student and as a teacher.

Dashboard Feet

Sometimes I come here wanting to write, to share everything with the world...then I realize that some things should just stay where they are and do not need to be publicised...Today however I come to stand on a soap box. If you are one of those folks that likes to rest your feet on the dashboard or out of your window while riding in the car, you might wanna skip this lil rant.

There are many things in this world that push my buttons. This weekend I took a little road trip to see a very dear friend of mine and her husband. On the way home today I saw MANY passengers in the front seat with their feet on the dashboard. Some were just bare, some were covered with socks and shoes...and yes...one set were even hanging out the window resting on the side view mirror. So, my question is - am I the only one who sees this as VERY dangerous? I'm just curious. What if your driver has to stop suddenly and your legs slam up against the windshield? That is not going to produce positive results. And for those of you who like the breeze between your toes....what about that texter that crosses over into your lane to fast for you to pull them back in...or that 18 wheeler that almost side swiped me?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about being comfortable while riding, but please ride responsibly and put your feet inside the moving vehicle, preferably close to the floor. Thanks - the unofficial SAFETY PATROL.

Happy Birthday Ayden

Dear Ayden -

Today we celebrated your first birthday...Many of your friends and family released balloons in your honor. As I watched them quickly drift into the sky I imagined you reaching out to grab one. As soon as the thought crossed my mind the yellow balloon went through the clouds. It sounds silly, but I imagine you holding it now. Running through the streets of Heaven - you must have so many balloons floating around you!

We wish we could have celebrated with you here today. I bet you would have loved mushing cake in your face and opening up gifts. And smiling for the camera - you were a natural at that! You had the ultimate birthday party with Jesus and the angels today though. I bet "Happy Birthday" sounds a lot different when sung by the angels.

There are so many lessons you taught me during your four months, and continue to teach me today. I am so thankful for two little girls in my life, Anna Kate and Sarah Dunn, who were born only a few weeks before you were. I take NO moment with these two girls for granted, they are such a blessing from God, as are you.

Little one, do you know how much you are loved and missed? We all think about you every day. We are a little jealous that you got to meet Jesus before we did and look forward to seeing you again one day. Ayden, I will never forget. You are always in my heart and on my mind.

Love,

Allison

Reasons to Relay

This weekend was the annual Nash County Relay for Life. This is a cause that I've only become involved with over the past five years. The school I use to work at puts in a huge effort to raise funds for the American Cancer society and always puts their heart and soul into it. This was the first year out of five that I was not a part of their team. Although I had transferred last year, my current school did not have a team and I was welcomed back by the BES team. This year our small school put up a good effort with about ten dedicated individuals that made it happen. Friday night was a bitter sweet one. It was a transition from my old Relay family to my new one. It was a time to stop and reflect on those who have fought the battle and won it, and those who have fought the good fight and gone on to their eternal resting place. I have so many reasons to Relay.

I relay for Richard - A dear friend who taught us all what it meant to be a great friend and to live life to its fullest. He lost his short battle in May of 2007.

I relay for Kay - The first one who had enough faith in my teaching abilities to hire me to educate first grade students. The proud grandmother of Anna-Kate, mother of Josh and Will, and friend to many. She is a SURVIVOR!

I relay for Jackie - One of the most amazing women that I know. The truest definition of a friend and of a Christian. She is a SURVIVOR.

I relay for a dear friend's daughter - Someone I never knew, but feel like I did. She changed the world in more ways than she will ever know, and continues to on a daily basis. She lost her battle in April of 2008.

I relay for the ones in the future who will have to fight this terrible demon. For those who will win, and for those who will put up a good fight and find an eternal home.

I relay for our future children and grandchildren - may they find the cure that we all long for.

Today I am thankful for the four people mentioned above, and many others who have been effected by this disease. May we all take NOTHING for granted, because life can change in an instant.

Up...Up...and Away!

Well...not really considering the balloon was tied to vehicles 25 feet below, but it was still an awesome experience. Our school held it's annual science day on Friday and boy were the teachers in for a treat (there's a new one for ya). Our fantastic AIG teacher arranged for the REAMAX hot air balloon to make a visit for all of the kids and staff to see and learn about. Little did we know that four of us would become 'honorary' crew members. Holding those ropes was much harder than it looked! Once the balloon was right side up the majority of teachers took a ride, most for the first time ever. This has been something on my 'bucket list' for quite a while, I only have one regret. We should have cut the ropes and just kept drifting. Therefore, I have decided the next time that I visit Lancaster, PA I will be doing this very thing. A good friend and co-worker has done it before and says it is a must. I'm ready for my next adventure and to see more of God's beautiful creation by flight.

As I Go On My Way

So I am just going to lay it on the line - I really struggled with my Bible Study this week. When Ashley walked in the door last night I said, "You will have to do all the talking because I have nothing to say, seriously number six is completely blank." It was one of those lessons while you read it you are thinking...waiting...knowing exactly what's suppose to come out of it...but it never quite does...or didn't until today anyway.

One of the assignments (number six actually) was to finish the following sentences when considering how I could practically administer Christ's love
As I go on my way...
As I go out of my way...
In all kinds of ways...

Did you ever see the movie Pay it Forward? What an awesome little kid taking a school assignment above and beyond, we could all learn a lot from him. Ashley had a great idea of 'paying it forward' as she 'went on her way' and said she wanted to go through a drive through this week and pay for the car behind her in line. How awesome would that be to receive such a simple yet thoughtful unexpected gift? The person behind you could be having the worst possible day and that could be a huge boost.

I went through a drive through tonight and the thought of that didn't cross my mind until it was too late. I was also preoccupied by the girl working the drawer at the window...as people would place orders through the speaker she would smack her lips and roll her eyes - as I said please and thank you she just went through the motions...doing her job with a terrible attitude...personality of a wet mop I always like to say. Not ten feet away from the drive through window this hit me...

As I go on my way I can show God's love by providing a smile and a God bless you to total strangers...like the girl at the drive through window. She was apparently having a very bad day...or maybe that is her personality...but she definitely needed to see God's love.

God has been working on my heart a lot over the past few months, but today it almost came to a breaking point. Without going into a lot of detail I will share this...God put someone into my life at the beginning of the school year. I've found it extremely difficult to get past certain attitudes and behaviors of this person. The opportunity has come up this year not only to show me that God had a sense of humor but was also trying to change my heart. I...like the girl at the drive through...went through the motions...but my heart never changed. This person is possibly facing the hardest days of his/her life and has a very small support system. I found myself offering this person a heart felt, "I know we aren't your family, but we are all here for you." I truly feel like that. The circumstances of recent days have made me realize how fast life can change. We have no right to judge people because they are different. My sudden reaction to the words out of my mouth today was - how dare you offer this person comfort, think of all the negative thoughts you've had and even negative words you've said...

As I go out of my way, I will make more effort to help someone who shares many different opinions and attitudes than I through a possibly difficult time.

Today I am thankful for a change of heart...it's still in progress, but it is certainly in the works.

Ayden - Forever Angel

August 25th, 2009 was a day that changed my life forever, but before I get into the events of that day I need to share with you the months that led up to it.

Lindsay was always a planner. She liked to have a timeline of how and when she wanted things to happen. Get married after college, check. Get a masters soon after, check. One Friday night at Chili's the all powerful 'baby' question came up and she laid it down on the line for us. She would finish grad school in a few months and have baby number one shortly after...sure enough that's exactly how it happened. I was so excited, she was my first high school friend to be expecting and several of us took it upon ourselves to become 'honorary' aunts. Weeks before Ayden joined this great big world, her sister threw the perfect baby shower, right down to the baby ducks floating in the blue punch.

Time passed and we anxiously checked facebook and text messages for an update that he was making his entrance. Finally, on April 27, 2009 Ayden Brooks Jones entered the world, and I for one could not wait to meet him. A lot of people felt that way about Ayden, we knew he was going to be something special. Earlier in my Arizona post I mentioned that the Grand Canyon could be God's greatest masterpiece...I take that back. Babies surpass the Grand Canyon by far.

I remember my first time holding Ayden. I did not know what kind of parents Lindsay and Jeremy would be as far as when it came right down to letting others hold him, but thankfully they felt pretty comfortable with me (I guess). One of my favorite memories is when I had him laying across my legs, tiny head in the palm of my hands and arms stretched out across my own...With my thumbs I rubbed his fuzzy hair as he slept peacefully. Lindsay assured me that I had found his favorite sleeping position and I really think I could have sat there forever...

As the weeks past Ayden learned new thing, how to laugh, play, roll over and eat food from a jar. Lindsay would post videos, pictures, and blogs to keep us all updated. Not that we live too far away, but it wasn't a visit we got to have every weekend to check the progress for ourselves.

On August 25th my cell phone rang immediately after school. I thought it was odd to receive a phone call from my friend Kristina, who teaches at a local high school, on the first student day, but I answered and started making small talk about the events of the new school year. Her tone let me know there was something wrong. Without going into so much detail, she proceeded to tell me that little Ayden had passed away that morning. WHAT? ARE YOU SURE? I could not believe it, SIDS I knew about, but that kind of stuff doesn't happen to people you know...right? And not Ayden - he was perfect. That afternoon was spent making numerous phone calls and responding to what felt like hundreds of e-mails, some from people I barely knew. No one had the answers, no one knew what to do or say, no one understood why. The next day I woke up thinking it was all a dream...but this was reality...this was the harshest dose of reality ever experienced.

Two days later we went to Ayden's celebration of life service. August 27th...the day that we should be celebrating his 4 month birthday. I cannot put into words the experience of his service, and I am not going to try. Lindsay and Jeremy spoke at his service and wanted two things, for Ayden never to be forgotten, and for his life to make a difference.

Before August 25th I had always been a fan of music, but never really appreciated it. Sure I would hear the lyrics of a song and think, oh that reminds me of such and such. After Ayden's death there were several songs that became his, I consider them his anyway. They include: There Will be a Day, East to West, Held, Hold my Heart, and Praise you in this Storm. Sometimes these songs make me angry, sometimes they make me cry, sometimes they make me smile. How often do we stand in church and sing the words of a song, expressionless, going through the motions, and not really taking into consideration what they mean? I am certainly guilty more times than not. I am thankful for the music that makes me think of Ayden. The emotions I feel when hearing them are a gift from God - a gift of happy memories, a gift of remembrance, a gift of hope for an eternal future, a gift of never forgetting a baby that taught me more in four months than I could ever learn from a text book or professor.

Today I am thankful for Lindsay and Jeremy. They are wise beyond their years and quite possibly the two strongest Christians that I know. I am thankful that God put them in my path and kept them there. I am blessed to call them friends. I am thankful for Ayden who continues to teach me us how to love unconditionally every day, and to take nothing for granted. Thank you Lord for the days that are harder than others, the opportunity to carry a small fraction of the pain for two of my friends is one I am thankful for. I am thankful for Collen who will be here soon and all of the joy that he will give to the people that already love him dearly.

Arizona

Many of you know that I spent the 2010 Spring Break in Arizona visiting Bonnie, Todd, Jake, and Emmie. This trip was one years in the making and now that they will be headed back this way in the Summer/Fall it was time to take the plunge. The trip could not have come at a better time. My body, mind, and spirit needed a break from the reality that is my life.
For those of you that know my biggest weaknesses are spelling and geography, you will not be surprised to know that a few days before the trip I literally had to look at a map to realize exactly how far Arizona is from North Carolina. Being that far from home was such a strange feeling. I've never been any farther West than Texas so this was quite an adventure for me.

There were many new, or I guess you could say renewed experiences for me, from the plane ride to the helicopter, and being back 'in the saddle again' (literally). There were so many special memories made during this past week and I absolutely loved spending time with my 'southwest family'. It was exciting to wake up on Easter morning and find surprises left by the Easter bunny for Jake and Emmie. Bonnie and I had the best time craftin', taking pictures, and baking (even though that was not a success). I was able to see a side of Todd that I never knew existed. It would take me an entire day to put this trip into words and even then I could never do it justice.

There are, however, two distinct memories that I have from the week that I never want to forget. We were visiting Sedona on Easter Sunday and Bonnie asked me to walk with Emmie and Todd back to the car. She and Jake were on a mission to buy some 'must have' rocks. As Emmie and I were walking back to the car and talking about something silly I'm sure, she reached up without me knowing and held my hand. I wanted to stop and put that moment in a bottle so I could remember it for ever. I love kids, but not being around Emmie and Jake very often I was worried how they would react to me invading their home...This moment let me know that I had been approved. The walk to the car was way too short.

The second memory came the day before. Unless you've ever seen the Grand Canyon you have no idea of its vastness and beauty. I had the opportunity to see it by helicopter with Todd and on foot with all of the family...We spent hours that day just soaking in the wonders of perhaps what is God's most beautiful masterpiece. I had the opportunity towards the end of the day to walk along the rim of the canyon on my own. I found a bench and could feel the presence of God pulling at me to sit and enjoy what He had created. As I sat there I could almost hear him say, "Allison look what I have created for you to enjoy...how can you see this and not believe that everything is in my control? Allison, I am enough." Gosh, just typing the words here bring tears to my eyes. As I sat the hymn "How Great Though Art" came to my mind over and over again. A verse in Psalms also came to mind, "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." I can't explain to you the comfort that those words brought to me that day, and have done for the days that followed. I will attempt to include a picture that ALMOST sums up the feelings of that day.

Today I am thankful for my family. I am truly blessed to be part of a family of believers and who love me no matter what. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve them.

My Temporary Home

For quite some time now I've wanted to start a blog...Shamefully I created one months ago and haven't signed in since, so needless to say I couldn't remember the login info when I tried. After much persuasion from Ashley, and just feeling like the time is right, here I am again.

Over the past week I've heard the song "My Temporary Home" on the radio and it has touched me deeply. Up until last August music never really played a huge key in my life. That transition will be a separate blog for another day. I find myself constantly listening to lyrics as opposed to a favorite artist or a 'good beat'. If you know me I have no rhythm so the beat or tune means very little to me.

I am so thankful that I serve a God who is using my life on Earth as a way to carry out His will. It is also a comfort to me that all the bad things in life, that seem to get worse the older I get, are only temporary. Can you imagine a day when we will stand in front of a God that loved us enough to sacrifice his only son and eternally worship him? I can't wrap my mind around it, but do look forward to it.

Sometimes the business of life gets the better of me. People always say, "God will never give you more than you can handle it." I was a firm believe of that up until a few months ago (stay with me here)...My entire world threatened to swallow me alive - some days it still does...I was, and still do, attempt to conquer not only my issues but the issues of the people that I love the most. I am a fixer, a peace maker, a true and loyal friend...surely it was my responsibility to carry my weight and the weight of others...wasn't it? Besides, God wasn't going to give me more than I can handle, so bring it on. As the days past and other peoples' problems somehow started to be my own and my emotions could not handle the tasks of a normal day I knew something had to give. Not until Ashley and I started working on the Bible study, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, did I realize my thinking was all wrong. God wouldn't give me more than I could handle, but I could give myself more than I could handle. Sure, God asks us to be friends, support systems, but he doesn't expect us to fix everyone else's problems. I was piling the hay stack higher and higher, I put the final straw on that broke the camels back, not God. What have I learned? ... that I have a lot more to learn.

Today I am thankful for friends that do not judge me for my tears or shortfalls. The people that are still standing by me after the dust settles. Thankful for the people that love me unconditionally without thinking somewhere in the back of their mind I could be better if I would just make a few changes about myself.